Yowzah Oneshot Collection (3)

20

                Sealed With a Kiss

                     FleurLennon

Sealed With a Kiss

He had taken refuge somewhere in the Tardis who had kindly offered him one of the many living rooms. Actually it really didn't matter to him where he was right now, he just didn't want to be found, not in this state. He was shattered, broken, downright broken…anew.

But Clara, his Clara, brave and fantastic as she was, was too exhausted anyway. He was certain she wouldn't wake up for hours and if something happened…well… he couldn't exactly be sure, could he, but he hoped the Tardis would signal him if something was the matter with Clara. It was weird though, to have her over for the night. He was rattled. Tonight's events had worn him out; his whole existence had been rewritten…twice. And he had kissed her, kissed River Song. River Song, who was dead and who he…

Well, he liked kissing, he had kissed a lot of people whenever he was in the right mood since he had regenerated, but kissing had never meant this…it only ever had meant this when he had kissed River Song. He had always known that she was going to die, how she was going to die and he hadn't prevented himself from stumbling into her arms, he had just let her grab him and kiss him and whatnot, for God's sake. River Song, his wife, was gone for good. How had she been present at all tonight? No, he knew about that but how had he been able to touch her? Had he really touched her?

It seemed so unreal to him now, sad and unreal. And it hurt, it hurt, it hurt. Was he going insane… but Clara had seen her too, had heard her too. He let himself fall onto a brick-red leather sofa, crossed his legs and let his head loll about the backrest; then he suddenly uncrossed his legs just to end up crossing them again. Clara had given everything to save him, oh so many times had she saved him… but had she really? He faced the back of his hands as he tried to face the truth…He owed Clara to be and feel saved, but, oh, he felt he wasn't. Rubbing his eyes he kept thinking about kissing her, about kissing River Song.

His first time, when she had just grabbed him and he had not known what was going on and then her hands had been in his hair and on his shoulder and he hadn't known where to put his own set of things with fingers, had, to be perfectly clear, not known what to do at all and then he had touched her, had then felt the soft bare skin of her arms, had even wanted to slide higher, hadn't dared to – oh the hair, he had wanted to run his fingers through that hair quite badly - had kept wiggling around like crazy and… She had just kept kissing him and he had had a hard time not to lose it. How in the universe was one supposed to react when kissing suddenly seemed to mean this? Afterwards he had been severely flabbergasted and had had a hard time fighting off Amy's questions.

'Amy'; he sighed. Amy and Rory, the Ponds, his Ponds…also gone for good, adding to the list of much-loved people he would never see again.

And then he remembered how River had almost killed him with a kiss, only to bring him back to life with another one. He saw her shrugging before his inner eye, laughing it off, giving him her gorgeous smile. Basically that had been what she had done ever since: He had died a little every time and then he had felt more alive than ever before and it had always overwhelmed him…anew. He groaned and threw his head between his hands, grimaced and exhaled. Agony, such agony. Whenever she had laid hands on him she had done it with unbelievable naturalness and yet she never had taken him for granted – it had made him crazy, crazy for her. He had gone from 'how can she dare do that to me' to 'how can she dare not to' in what seemed simply no time to him now.

This woman would have let time itself die instead of giving in, she had been foolish enough to put him above it all at lake Silencio, hadn't she, and hadn't regretted her choices for a single minute, not her. Her eyes had been unwilling and her expression had been tortured and then, after she had understood, they had revived time together, and for them that had meant marriage. Yes, they had got married, Teselecta or not. So many people had sacrificed themselves for him, had taken and still took great risks for him but never like this.