Yowzah Oneshot Collection (3)

178(G)

                      Jumping Off

                        JenniferJF

He woke to find the space next to him empty, a tangle of twisted sheets no longer even warmed by her recent presence. Slipping out of bed, he went to find her.

She was in the first place he looked after the console room, the kitchen, and the wardrobe: the library, seated in front of an auxiliary databank display, occasionally making notes on her handheld. "Good morning," he said by way of announcing himself as he entered. "Trouble sleeping?"

"No. Not really," she answered absently, not taking her eyes off the screen in front of her. "Just wanted to get some info out of the TARDIS files."

He glanced over her shoulder at the display. "A Galaxy-Class ship? The... Byzantium?" he continued, reading the name off the blueprints she had up. Forcing a chuckle, he asked, "You planning a vacation?"

She turned from the screen to look at him. "Hardly. My interest is purely professional."

"Oh, really?"

She smiled. "Oh, yeah. And if I manage to pull this one off, I think I've got a real shot at a pardon." Her eyes narrowed as she looked at him. "And I think that's probably all we should say about it at the moment, don't you?"

He returned her smile. "Probably, yes. However, if you need any help...?"

"I know who to call? I always do, don't I, sweetie?"

This time, he didn't have to force the chuckle. "Ready to come back to bed?"

"I'm not really sleepy."

"Neither am I."

She reached forward and turned off the display.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Some time later, she lay curled at his side, her head pillowed on his shoulder. "So," he asked, tangling his fingers through her hair. "Given any thought to where you'll go when you do get your pardon?"

Her hand paused its lazy tracing across his chest but she remained silent. He wasn't entirely sure if her hesitation was because she really didn't know or because his question was yet another reminder that the one place in the universe she most wanted to be was the one place which, under the circumstances, she could never stay. At least not permanently. Not if they wanted to maintain the illusion of his death.

"River?" he asked, catching her fingers in his and giving them a gentle squeeze. "Have you?"

He could feel her head shake against his shoulder, her wild mane of curls tickling his neck. "No. Not really. I haven't been able to think much beyond... You know."

"Have you considered going home. I mean, to Leadworth? Your parents? At least for awhile." Which was cheating, of course, because he knew. But he didn't have to tell her that.

This time, he couldn't miss her sudden tensing as she lay against his side.

"River?" he repeated. "You've been back to visit already, haven't you?"

"Yes, many times. It's just..." she began, and then stopped. He waited for her to continue. After a minute, she did, "I haven't been back after... they remember Utah."

She fell silent again. "And...?" he prompted.

There was real fear in her eyes as she looked up at him. "I killed you, didn't I? And even though they know I didn't want to... and fought against it... As far as they know... I still did it. And I know I've faced everyone else. But... Being there, with Amy. On that beach..."

She ducked her head, concealing her features, but for just an instant he had seen again that scared little girl she had been, reaching for help, unsure there was any to be had anywhere.

He tightened his arm around her. "She's your Mum, River."

"Yeah... I know."

Only he felt her fear... her heartbreak... as clearly as if it had been his own. And until that very moment, he'd never been entirely certain she'd remembered. Or understood.

A gunshot in a warehouse in 1969.

And a little girl crying out in terror.

"Oh, River."

This time, there were tears in her eyes when she looked up at him. "See? And even though I know it's stupid... Because she didn't really know..."

He didn't answer right away. Instead, he ran his hand along her back, stroking her shoulders with the tips of his fingers until he felt her relax, just a little, in his arms. Then, planting a kiss on her forehead, he followed it with his own and, forehead to forehead, looking her straight in the eyes, said, "Still. You can't avoid it forever. Better to know sooner rather then..."

"Yeah," she agreed, smiling weakly. "Will you...?"

He shook his head against hers. "No. But I'll be there if you really need me."

"You always are."

His arms tightened around her and he smiled. Really smiled. "Yeah. I always am."