Yowzah Oneshot Collection (3)

183(G)

the course of true love never did run smooth

                       JaneScarlett

"River always knows."

They've all said it at varying times to her. Amy and Rory and the Doctor... no matter when she met them or where in those days after Berlin, they always seemed to have an unshakable faith that she knows everything. River will know how to break out of a locked room, or into a vault; she knows how everyone takes their tea, or the best restaurant on this side of the Galaxy.

After a lifetime of being alone, their faith in her was touching, something River tried to live up to. And in many cases, they were right. She did know a great many things, though it was hardly preternatural ability. A good memory helped; her training from Madame Kovarian granted her a gift for seeing perspectives, reacting to difficult tasks.

And then there were some things -where if she thought and puzzled the facts- she did just know. She knew, somehow, in Berlin that the Doctor would never die that day, that the trickster would find a way to survive. And she knew what he meant when he pulled her close to whisper in her ear.

"Find River Song for me..."

Yes, it had all been right there. There was never a moment she should've had to worry or question; somehow, she knew before Amy showed her. She'd guessed who this 'River Song' must be.

But sometimes, rarely, she didn't know. Educated guess was not immutable fact. Knowledge was different from knowing. Some days, River was confused and uncertain and angry at her lack of understanding. And all too often, it concerned the Doctor.

She didn't really know him. The Doctor -despite her knowledge of him- was still a mystery, no matter how often he popped up during her time in University. She couldn't anticipate his reactions. She couldn't read what lay behind the words he said.

"Always with the guns, River?"

That time, they'd been standing back in the TARDIS after she'd opened fire on the Esthat army. There was a vague smell of singed tweed, and her dress was definitely ruined... and yet she'd been proud that she managed to extricate them safely.

Until he'd said that. The Doctor had looked at the time rotor instead of her as he threw out that sidelong comment... and his words made her feel ashamed. As though relying on her gun made her somehow dirty in his eyes...

River stopped carrying her gun then, even though the Doctor didn't show up for weeks afterwards. But she still, determinedly, ignored it. She pretended she didn't miss its comforting weight at her hip, pretended she didn't want to carry a gun; not if he reacted so badly to it... But when he showed up the next time to whisk her away and they ended up in danger again, the Doctor stared at her in horror when she didn't immediately brandish a blaster to clear their way through an alien army.

"Today is the day you chose not to bring ammunition?" He grabbed her hand, grumbling. "Come on, then, if this is our only option. Run!"

That entire encounter left her confused. She started carrying her blaster again (set to stun, not kill) but she was unsure what he expected from her. Who he really expected her to be.

After those days, River began to examine his behaviour, his reactions to her in a way she hadn't before. She wanted to understand... because sometimes the Doctor looked at her and made her wonder anew why she'd chosen to save a man who barely seemed to trust her. Some days he spoke, and she couldn't tell if he even liked her, or if the Doctor had any feelings for her besides guilt over her existence. If taking care of River Song was merely an obligation to her parents... and that was why he kept showing up on her doorstep.