To Go Unseen (A Natasha Romanoff Story)

17 [Nebraska]

It was still a few hours drive to the nearest Nebraska airport and they spent it with lazy flirting and gentle kisses from the passenger seat, on her hands and her cheeks. She caught his face before he pulled away a few times, trying to multitask and balance loving James with driving, and with his chin in one hand, she’d turn to him for just a second to press a kiss right back onto his mouth, a serious kiss that left him looking dizzy for a second.

About a half hour from the airport, however, James changed the topic of conversation from casual teasing into something that felt more serious.

“Have you ever thought about it?” he asked. “About what Yelena said?” Natasha looked over, confused and somewhat alarmed.

“Giving up my identity?” She said. “No, actually, no.”

“Not that,” James said and he shifted and looked at her and she looked back. “I mean about, um... Marriage. The picket fence and babies. Dancing off into the sunset.”

Natasha stared as long as she could at James’ face before she had to look back at the road and she swallowed. He looked almost pleading and suddenly, everything was uncomfortable and she stiffened in her seat.

“No,” she admitted. “I haven’t considered that, either.” She hesitated. “Why?”

James took a long time in responding and then he was looking out his window. It seemed to Natasha that he wasn’t sure how to speak, where to begin, how to phrase his thoughts.

“I never wanted a war,” he finally said wearily and although it wasn’t much, it spoke volumes to Natasha. Was it what he wanted? A family, children, a picture-perfect American Dream? Natasha didn’t know what to say. “Can’t you picture it,” James continued quietly. “A nice house, somewhere where no one will ever find us. Flowers on the front porch, a damn minivan.” He laughed and Natasha listened to him and felt her heart break. He shrugged. “It’s stupid.”

“We can get flowers,” she said to him and he looked over at her and offered a smile and looked back down. “I’m sorry things didn’t work out how you wanted them to, James,” she said quietly and James looked back over at her and his eyes were sad, but he smiled gently like he did when he didn’t want her to pity him and leaned over to kiss her cheek.

“I’m happy with you,” he said and she leaned into his kiss and tried to smile back.

“Are you?” She said. “You want a family.”

“I want you,” James said firmly. “More than anything.” Natasha bit her lip and stared at the horizon going dark.

“More than the minivan?” She said and her voice was teasing but she felt it in all seriousness in her heart. He laughed again.

“It’s not that,” he said. “Really, it’s…” He stopped and she saw him press his mouth together and think. “I’m tired. I want something normal.” He shifted and turned to her now. “Things used to be normal, a long, long time ago but now I’m 70 years in the future and I have a bionic arm and I practically heal with magic.”

“You want normal,” Natasha said.

“I want happy,” James said and he relaxed back down into his seat and looked at her. “I want to see us happy.”

In an attempt to diffuse the conversation, Natasha grinned lightheartedly and teased him.

“So picky, Barnes,” she said. “If running from Russian assailants can’t keep you happy, nothing will!” James laughed and this time it wasn’t one of his quiet laughs or one of his resigned laughs, and she let out a breath in relief as the tension melted away.

“Yeah,” he laughed. “Silly me.”

And Natasha felt her heart grow heavy with pain.