To Go Unseen (A Natasha Romanoff Story)

13 [a hotel somewhere in Nebraska]

In the car, James leaned over his knees, trying to breathe, and Natasha sat in the drivers seat and tried to comfort him.

“It’s okay, you’re okay,” she was saying, like she did, over and over and over, until James could lift his head out of his hands and look at her. “They’re gone,” she said and she meant Hydra.

“I’m sorry,” James whispered hollowly and Natasha looked at his face, shining wet with sweat and tears, and wished she actually knew what to do.

“Don’t apologize,” she said. “It’s not your fault, you know.”

“But…,” James said and Natasha leaned back over to turn the key in the ignition and start the car. “It is.” And before either of them could say more, he let out a gasp, an ‘ooh’, and shuddered again, putting his hands over his face, starting again to breathe heavily.

“Don’t think about it,” Natasha said. “Come on, let’s think of something different, it’s over, okay? And you’re never going back.”

James didn’t respond and Natasha let the quiet be for a while, but she knew it was only sending him spiraling further, back into the shaking, the screaming, the crying. She swallowed and sighed and began to fill the silence.

“Something I never told you,” she said and he looked over as she drove through the dark. “I was in your situation once. Sort of. I know what it’s like to feel what you feel, if at least a fraction.”

“What do you mean?” James asked quietly and Natasha frowned.

“After the Red Room,” she said. “And the KGB. After all that, Clint found me and dragged me out because he’s kind like that, and good, and he’s better at seeing goodness in others than he is at seeing the darkness.”

“Sounds like-,” James said and Natasha almost laughed.

“Steve,” she finished for him. “Sounds like Steve, I know. He and Clint are something alike, I think. That’s probably why I hit it off with him so well; because he reminded me of Barton. Not in his mannerisms, because Steve is…,” Natasha smiled and she glanced over and James was almost smiling too. Well, if not smiling, at least not screaming. “Different. But they’re both heroes for a reason.” She looked down at the steering wheel under her hands, thought about how nice it was to not be thinking about Yelena Belova for at least one minute because she felt as though a lot of time and thought would be poured into Belova over the next few weeks at least. “Anyway, Clint pulled me out and I was a mess. It was scary, and I…,” Natasha smiled sadly and shrugged. “I spent a lot of time recovering.”

“Why did you never tell me?” James asked and Natasha shrugged one shoulder.

“I don’t know,” she said. “Force of habit? I’m a private person.”

“I’m your boyfriend,” James exclaimed. “You can tell me these things, you know.”

“I know,” Natasha said.

“What all happened?” James continued. “Were you okay?”

“I was, eventually,” Natasha said. “And I didn’t go through the things you did, James. I had a different story. But after a time, I got better. I joined the Avengers, I got you. And everything sort of fell into place, but yeah. I was okay.”

“How,” James said and Natasha realized he wanted more. He wanted the whole story and so Natasha sighed and readied herself to talk.

After all, if it was helping James away from his fear, she’d do anything.

“I lived with him for a time,” Natasha said. “Clint, he got me out of there and kept me. I laid low, hiding from the people who’d come after me, and there were many, but something told me it was worth it. I didn’t want to be there, doing those things anymore.” Natasha swallowed as she thought, remembering. “It was really hard. I had to reinvent who the Black Widow was supposed to be and that… It changed me.”

“You and Clint are close,” James said and Natasha looked over at him and rolled her eyes playfully.

“I never even dated him, James,” she said teasingly. “You don’t have to compete, I promise.”

“I didn’t say that!” James replied defensively, but she could hear the lie in his voice and she laughed. “But… Was there ever anything…,” he continued, trailing off. Natasha looked over at him and smiled. “I’m just curious, I swear,” he added, throwing up his hands. Natasha nodded.

“We never did more than kiss once or twice,” she admitted. “And there might have been something, but he was too shy and I was too much of a mess. It never went anywhere.” She sighed and shrugged again. “By the time I was alright enough to even consider a relationship, the attraction had faded. Now, we’re just good friends and I’m glad.” Natasha looked over at James, who had been staring at her, and she leaned over to briefly brush his cheek with her kiss. “Now, I have you.” James smiled weakly at her and he reached over and grabbed her hand with his left, warm and entirely smooth except for the hairline splits in the metal where his fingers bent around hers. She took her hand away from the wheel so she could hold his and looked at the road, thinking. “I’ll always have a debt to Clint, though,” Natasha added quietly as she squeezed his hand. “He helped me become a completely different person, and I like that person a lot better. I never thought the Black Widow could change, but I guess I was wrong.”

“I can’t believe you never shared that with me,” James said quietly after a while. “It seems important to you.”

“It was,” Natasha said and a minute passed before he spoke again.

“Will you promise me something?” James asked.

“What?” Natasha said and she looked over at James. He was looking down at their hands, rubbing his thumb so carefully against the back of her hand.

“Be more open with me,” he said. “Tell me the things that matter to you. I want to know everything about you.”

Natasha didn’t know what to think. Of course she would promise him, but she never quite understood why it mattered. Surely he understood that the past didn’t shape them, not really. And it didn’t matter. After all, Natasha’s past, her inside, the things that meant something to her, well, she was used to hiding them. Natasha Romanoff went unseen.