𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒍𝒂𝒏𝒅 | moonsun ✓

13 | memory

hi ladies

divin into some of moonbyul's angsty thoughts about her past (mainly krystal) & stuff

her THOUGHTS are in ITALICS but her physical movement is NOT

this is basically moonbyul's point of view of an anxiety/panic attack, so tw

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆

The memories we made
take me back
to the time
where I couldn't live
without you.

⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆ ☼

Memories. People all have them. Memories are used to recall the times of our childhood𑁋like the time you fell off the slide during recess, or the time where you fell and scraped your knee, or the time where you received an A on your first test. There are memories that you want to forget and some that permanently leave a scar in your brain. All of those permanent scars in my brain are about you, but the physical ones are about me, because all I could think about was you. I didn't care about myself.

Sometimes we can't let go of memories because they are constant reminders of a story that was never expected to end.

It reminded me of our story. Our life-long story that came to an end almost a year ago. It's been almost a year since the accident, a year since I last saw you in that hospital bed, a year since everything around me broke without you, a year since I said my last words to you before moving away to Seoul.

Do you ever think of me when you're asleep? Do you have dreams? If so, what are your dreams about? For a while I've always thought all you see is blackness when you're in a coma, but I've been rethinking that line. On your end, how do you view me? Am I the same person as before? Am I still the same monster of a person? No, don't think of that.

The blankness of the ceiling laid still like a frozen painting. Byulyi feels herself becoming numbing, tracing a numerous of assorted shapes above her with a crooked finger absentmindedly, though it felt like her finger was carving on a physical surface. She could feel herself drifting away slowly, not sure if it was into slumber or into being trapped again in her own thoughts and her own thoughts.

It happens once in a while𑁋this feeling where she feels like she's being disconnecting from herself𑁋even if she has taken her medicine. She can feel the fluttering of her own heart skipping beats, the dancing of goosebumps along her arms. It's always challenging to get out of this state because her therapist always used to say that she should 'picture your happy place'.

But what if I don't have one?

For some reason I can't get you out of my head. Have you been aware of how much you meant to be? Have you been aware of the secret I've kept from you because I was so afraid I'd end up hating myself?

She already knew how the long night would play out for her; the thoughts, then the disconnection, the emptiness, the walls caving in, then everything would return back to normal. It felt like a movie constantly replaying in her brain.

Right?

Remember all the times where I used to get jealous because you and Amber's friendship? All the times were you left to go hang out with her other than me, I would always feel this constant pounding sensation in my chest because I felt afraid of your closeness with her. I had mindless assumptions about the two of you that wandered my mind for years. I wonder how she is today and how she feels about you being... almost gone from the world. Does she know what happened to you? Does she blame me for what happened?