DARK SOUL'S: The Story You Started

ISHITA

I know maybe I am overreacting or something, but I can't face him after that. Maybe I need some time to heal myself.
I already have so much of my own. I can't carry other things with me now for sure. I have been guarding myself for years and I am not fragile to break down like the way I did.
I took a deep breath and hailed the cab since I have a lot of files and papers. It wasn’t possible for me to walk the streets.
Once I got home, Home!! it’s weird to say this way but I will prefer it. At least that way I can have some home smell here and it will be easier to live with. Not bothering to change I huffed on my couch and tried to make myself comfortable, I am not this way usually but today sucks, actually, you know! everything sucks, My life sucks.

"Ishita come here, why are you leaving me alone here,  you know I am in pain, right?" He screams. It was my dad’s voice.
I know I'm dreaming, I'm having a panic attack but I couldn't open my eyes. No, I deserve to die, It will happen, right now. I know this darkness will take over me.
But I want to open my eyes, why can't I open them, I want to see the lights. I want to live happily as everyone does. But ever this darkness will go away?
No!! Ishita, it won't go away, never!! You will live with it till the end of your life. When you will go to hell and demon's will ripe every bone and soul from your body you will feel the actual pain and apparently you deserve it. Then it will end forever!

I woke up gasping for air with cold sweat, anxiety is engulfing me. I put my head in between my knees and rock myself to ease this pain out from my body but it never happens. It won’t.
I look up to my surrounding as darkness starts to fade away. I realized that I am in my room.
Shitt
It’s evening and I am still in my work clothes, did I just take a nap? I slap my forehead with the palm.
Awww that was hard, it is tingling on my head. While rubbing my forehead, I stand up and take a long heavy time to fresh up and tried to relax a little, It seems it won’t help me to relax either, Not even a little bit.
I got ready and locked my apartment front door, I know where I will find myself "The Library". That is the only place here.
It's not that far away from here, so I prefer to take a walk on these streets and realized how hungry I am now, so I guess, I can take something to eat on my way to the library. The food is in here well!!  Oh God! I am really missing my home food.
It's always crowded here with the people flying here and there with the honking of taxis and we think India is a noisy country, Really!!
The biped voice of my phone caught my attention.
" Hi, Ishita want to talk to you are you busy?" That makes me smile. It was from Mr. Siraj, he is such a kind person. I still can't believe these types of people even exist in this world we are living in!
He is always such a charmer by his performance and attitude, but sometimes most adorable.
He was there for me always like my father, whenever he places his hand on my head I feel like all my scar's fade away.
He always knew what I prefer, What I like and don't like.  He is there for me. Not just for my likes or dislikes but as my emotional backup. I still can't figure out why he pushed me so hard on this project and kept me seven oceans apart from my home from my nation, stranded me in here where I'm all alone in between new people and their creepy faces; No offense though.

"Hi Sir, You could have just asked me whatever it is, you know I am always free for you" I replied while walking on the streets.
" Oh that's great! Now tell me the recipe of your special coffee" I laughed out loud,  He freaking sent me a baby pout pictures.

Oh God! Did I just say he is adorable!
"Okay it is really very simple and you can make it yourself for all-day"
" OH PLEASE! Now Don't start with my coffee habits and yes SHUTUP! now tell me how you make it" He falsify his anger on me.
I laugh so hard that I can't control my tears and my stomach is hurting.
Before I can respond to anything to him, I collided on something or someone.

" Shit!! I am sorry......I apologize and lookup that’s when I froze in my place.
"Hey, you Ishita, are you practicing to be blind" Dean chuckled and said rubbing his arm as if it hurts. 
"Huh-huh" I was still stunned, how is he here suddenly?
Of course, I was too busy to note anything around me with my texting; Stupid me!
Looking at me, he is laughing continuously on something, I have no idea for what? Do I have something on my face?
" Relax I was joking, you should have seen your face goddammit" He managed to explain between his hilarious laughter.
"Okay and you are doing here...What?" I enquired and rose my eyebrows up so he could see that I am dead serious here right now.
He gave an expression like he is searching for something but confused to speak at the same time. Looking around he shrugged.
"Naahh! I was just passing by and don't forget the thing that you are nearly landed me on the ground and Yes don't forget this hard sidewalk, what if I were just... because of you, you know,"  He said smirking.
Damn it!
"Yeah, well I am sorry I was busy" I tried to be polite.
" Yeah that's fine you are going somewhere" He inquired genuinely.
" Yeah just in the library and grab something to eat" I explained and resume my walking.
" Ohh wait" He called me "I am starving too, mind if I join?" He asked with a pleading tone. Is there any other option for me to say no now?
"Okay," I answered plainly.
Was this coincidence? Does it happen in real life too? Really?
I mean it's a huge city I know that, and he is here, seven in the evening doing whatever he wants to do but now with me. Wow! That’s pretty confusing!
He is not harmful though, but I am pistanthrophobic. I can not just let people in, have a conversation with me, and leave. Not here at least!
I huffed and resume my walk with him.
I tried to be busy while walking with him and I managed to share my so-called coffee recipe with Mr. Siraj. I hope he will make it.
"Is that a joke" Dean interrupted me while walking silently.
"Huh?" I looked at him with confusion.
"You were smiling with your phone so either way, your phone is cute or you have something to laugh at" He explained.
I can't help but giggle, seriously was that his joke!
" Nope, just texting" I do not explain to anyone about the things, whatever I am doing unless it relates to my work.
"Okay, let’s eat something" He declared.

He asked me about random things which I guess maybe he already knows. So what's the point of asking me the same?
Finally, We found one restaurant at the end of the block but it seems my appetite has vanished. I really miss my home food, God.
So instead of any food, I ordered coffee maybe I can survive with that and will find some groceries to cook.
" Don't you want to eat," He asked, confusion was clearly on his face.
"No, thank you" I dismissed. It must be on my face that he gave me a knowing smile.
He nods in understanding " I know one Indian restaurant maybe you can eat there something"
"Not now obviously" I replied and resume my coffee. He laughed again, I watched him with wide eyes, Am I a joker or something, why he is amused at everything I said.
"Yeah, of course, I am just trying to tell you, You know, I don't want you to starved to death" He shakes his head to control his horrible laughter.
"Geee.. Thanks for the concern, I think I’ll survive with this but I will go sometime”

After a few minutes of awkward silence, He asked me about the library.
"Yeah just reading few books"
"Seriously," He asked shockingly.
"Yes," I said, His horror face wasn’t disappeared though.
After we finished our conversation and his food.  I was exhausted and it's already late so no need to go to the library now. I want to go home and doze off.
As we led the way out of the restaurant, one girl walks in our direction grinning at him.
"Hey You" She hugged Dean enthusiastically.
"Hey yourself" He did the same. What’s going on?
"Oh, This is Ishita, Ishita this is Steph my wife" He introduced me as he realized I was still there.
"You must be at Nicole's, the project head, Isn’t it?", Does everyone know whatever is going on at Nicole's?
She hugged me with same the intensity, that thing caught me off guard, I wasn’t expecting this from her. Like if some random person throws their arms around me it’s not my kind of thing, But I liked her immediately. She is a loving girl.
I wave goodbye to both of them.

I really like Steph though, she is a kind-hearted and loving woman. I rarely interacted with people other than work conditions of course. But she seems nice and invited me over.
It's really hard to believe that I involved in here with a lot of people with their unknown faces. It really suffocates me but on another hand, I needed this, This is the time to find me within myself.
There are so ups and downs in our lives and they taught us to be strong.  But what if they break us in every other impossible way? What if they took everything from us? What if they will never go away and consumed us? What if you couldn't save yourself or couldn't die either? There are so many if’s but you can’t always find an answer to your every question. It is a punishment you have to go through, for what you had done in yours and everyone’s life.

My therapist says, it means to happen in our life and whatever happens, It has there own ways and reasons. It is not your fault if something bad happened to someone or to you. You can not save someone’s life if it is their destiny. But I should have saved a life that day!
I don't know how my hand slips away and I couldn't catch him. I wished! I should have tried at least more and maybe this situation would be different and better than this. But this thing and the pain will not go away now; I wished all day it will maybe someday, but It haunts me every second of my life.
It's true! Every person has a story, past, and pain in their lives but the combination of pain with the guilt is the worst.

The ringing of my phone caught my attention, it's my Mom’s!!

"Hello," She says, Oh god her voice has some magic trigger power. This will make me cry, but I won’t.
" Haaa, Mumma" I managed not to choke out.
" Beta kashi ahes, jevan karte na tu_ "How are you, are you eating well?"  She is always concern about me, Man!! I miss her so much.
"Yes mummy, Don't worry How are you!" I restraint my sniffle cry.
I am feeling heavily homesickness in here. Why I bother to come here in the first place? Dammit! 
" Beta are you crying, Don't be like a baby, You are my strong girl, you know I am so proud of you"
She is the one who is proud of me, God knows why? I didn't do anything to be proud of.
Does she know I still have terrible nights? And I am the bad one move.
" Ho mumma don't worry, Me thik ahe. Tu kshi ahes?_ Yes, Mom, I am really fine, How are you?" I gulped down my tears. It is better to be quiet rather than to say anything stupid.
I couldn't fall apart in front of her. It will give her nothing but pain.
I talked with her for few minutes and I actually felt lightweight after that. As if someone lifted some kind of weight from my shoulders.
Talking with her is always easy but it's really impossible for me to share anything with her.
It's not like I couldn't, but I don't want to share my pain with her or with anyone, I’m comfortable in my place I always am!
Everyone has their own baggage with themselves, Why to put our burden on their shoulders, besides I don't like people when they tried to give me sympathy or pity. I will be fine in a few days as I am going to work from home and it will give me some time I guess.
It's not like I'm running from my problems but since I am here it is really impossible to be with myself.
Ethan doesn’t have anything to do with this, It's not his problem. it's mine. It's me who doesn’t feel guarded around him, It's like he could read my soul like he has some kind of power over me and he could see through me.

I am really exhausted due to lack of sleep.
I need to sleep.... Maybe forever. With frustration, I bury my face in the pillow 

" Navin where the hell are you?" I shouted on the phone. I have been waiting for him in the cafe for almost half an hour and he never showed up. I really hate being late he knows that. Doesn’t he get that?
"I'm sorry, I will be there in a few minutes, my friend is in trouble he needs my help. I am on my way I promise." He pleaded. Damn he and his tone!
" Oh please, you and your excuses. I won't wait for you, You have only ten minutes" I hung up without hearing him out.
He is always late. He knew I have classes to attend still! Huff! 

I resume my reading and wait for him.
After it looks like forever, the door of the cafe swing open and he walks in with a big smile on his face.
"Don't kill me now" He raised his hands up in surrender and said grinning.
" I swear, I planning on it" I snapped.
"Awhhhh, I know you don't! By the way, meet my best friend Rishabh. He is my childhood friend and just moved in here."
" Rishabh, this is Ishita. The annoying girl who injured my ears" He begins to tease me. I punched him on his arm. 
" Joke one more time and I will complete my promise in here" I scolded,  They both laughed.
"Hi,” We both shook hands
Rishabh tells us, his thrilling stories from Himachal, He loves trekking and he has acrophobia but he wants to win his weakness over his power and He loves outdoor events. We were mesmerized by his stories as I looked at the time, Oh No, I don’t want to be late!
"Hey, boys, I have to go to class, So I will see you later," I said.
"Okay," They said in unison as I packed my stuff in a hurry to leave for my class.
"ISHITA!!"
Just when I turned around to leave,  Rishabh called me from behind.
"Yeah"
"We will see you after your class if that's okay"
There was something in his eyes and I couldn't refuse him!

I gasped and woke up with cold sweat.
Oh God, those eyes! No...No....Shit
Why this nightmare? Why? It has to be something else.
I can not see his eyes that way, They haunt me every day whenever I tried to remember them, they want to tell me something.
I always thought he will forgive me,
“ RISHABH Please, please forgive me, why wasn’t I that capable to help you? I know it was my fault, but please forgive me, at least help me to take my last breath. I can’t live like this forever. Please Rishabh”
I cry the whole night and Rock myself to go back to sleep.
Navin is my best friend, He has always been my best support, We were always together when we were in college. But after Rishabh, things changed drastically, I couldn’t even connect with him, We talked barely, I lost everything after that. My friendship, My happy life, and even my soul.
Navin though, He is still always trying to convince me, that this wasn't my fault, That this thing hadn't happened because of me.
But I know I would have saved him. I was with him. I could have tried harder and convinced him to go back. He would've listened to me. But he didn’t!
Maybe, just maybe! I wish I could have done something, anything to get back that thing.

Trying to get some sleep is impossible for me and completely a waste of time, it will never come now. And It's only four in the morning. I got up and try to drop my nose at work.
Then, I just did whatever I could do to make myself busy.
I open my laptop to check some of my mails, already there are so many emails in my inbox. But there was something else which cause me to catch my attention.
It was the Mail from Ethan Nicole's-

Dear Ishita,

We can understand the thing, you want to work from home or however you want. But there are certain rules and regulations in this company which unfortunately you have to follow.
This project is based on your attention. We request you to please come and monitor the things in your presence.
We are really glad to have you,
I hope you will do this favour for us.

Thanking You.
Ethan
CEO Nicole's Enterprises
We Care For You





Bastard!!! What the hell does that mean? Is that a cold threat from him?
He could have just asked me to come and I will be there without any argument. Why bother to send this long mail. I knew he has a lot of work to do. He can do his work then, and not interfere in my work.

It doesn’t matter though. I type my response simply in

Respected Sir, 
Okay, I will be there on time.

ISHITA

It’s only past four in the morning so, I just worked, worked, and worked. It's a beautiful time in here so silent and dark. There is no single thing or voice in around and the cold breeze gives me the satisfaction of having this large window.
I can see the sunrise through my window, but that doesn't mean it will give some kind of shine in my life, It feels good being the evidence for the start of a new day but it doesn’t feel good to memorize the pain and being evidence of that.
I am not being pathetic but I did give it up pretty early to think anything about me.
Why want to try something, impossible things?

After six o’clock, I got up and got dressed for the office. I guess I will stop somewhere to get something to eat.
I am early for the office and the streets are nearly empty here.
I stopped in front of the coffee shop to get something to eat I can not starve to death just because I don’t like to eat anything here,
" Hey Beautiful" I startled as someone tap on my shoulder and turned around to see.
"Oh hi Rick," I said politely, Does everyone comes to the office this early?.
"You early Why?" He frowned
"Yeah, Have work to do," I shrugged and said.
“hummmm, I see, Okay, Let me buy you a coffee today, you look tired though, don’t you get enough sleep in here, I mean you know, I know about the different sleeping and timing patterns you have"  He goes on.
" Oh No! Thanks, I will get something for myself, and Yes! I'm having trouble getting some sleep but I guess I’ll be getting used to that" I dismissed him before he could ask me something more.
As his eyes diverted in a particular direction, he mumbled something under his breath. What’s going on? I followed his gaze in the same direction to rectify the situation and Yeah here we go!!

"Good morning, You both, Why so early?" His voice was Stern. He is talking with both of us but his eyes were particularly on Rick, He was looking suspiciously at him. Rick though, was shocked, confused, and flushed.
Okay, So I have to diffuse this bomb.
"Yeah, Um- Mr. Nicole's" Thankfully his gaze diverts and his eyes go soft the second he saw me.
I know he is mad at something, I could see it in his eyes and his hard stance.  I don't know why or on whom he's mad?
Is that me, about the thing I called work internally or Is he always mad at Rick?
I don't know what the hell is his problem!!
Without any second word, he headed straight to the booth and ordered three coffees.
I glanced at Rick, I could see the fierce in his eyes, his whole body is stiff. There is absolutely something going on in between these two.
Ethan returns from the booth and handed us the coffee.
"Ishita, I want to talk to you" He declared, Of course, he does. I didn’t say a word on that. 
But It was a hint for Rick to get the hell out from here.
Ethan was looking down at me to say something, Damn Idiotic attitude of his.
"Hn, Okay," I said hesitantly and try not to hurt his ego.
After some long stretch silence,
" See you Ethan- Ishita," Rick said, I get mentally relaxed. Finally,
" Yeah," I said and Ethan nod without even looking at him. He was pretending to be busy with his phone. Without even a another word rick started to walk away, poor him.
I glanced at Ethan and saw him smiling at Rick's direction. Is he amused after that quite a show, the one he was responsible for?
"What" He catches me gawking at him.
" Nothing, I think I was just curious"
" Oh, I promise to solve your curiosity, precisely" He winked at me.
I rolled my eyes and shake my head. He is impossible.
He laughed furiously, " Seriously though, I’m telling you again to stay away from him," He said with a serious voice.
" Tell me, he is not some kind of serial killer? Is he?”
He laughed "No! But he is a bad move" He warned.
I nodded. I know that thing.
Silence with him doesn't feel awkward, it was comfortable in the right way, Which is absolutely wrong.
"You look tired is everything's Okay?" He interrogates.
I gulped my coffee down before answering.
"Yeah, Just lack of sleep" I retort. I hate this thing when he used this tone with me.
"Is that so?" He said with an uncertain voice.
I know he's incredulous now, but eventually, he will accept it and will mind his own business.
I literally avoid his gaze as if he will find out I am lying.
He cleared his throat, " So Why work internally"? He inquired.
" Nothing particularly, just trying to adjust...I guess" I mumbled.
"Has someone ever told you, You are really not a good liar at all?" He snapped on me irritatingly.
My temper is really burning in my head, What the hell is his problem! Can't he just leave me alone!
But I know somehow he's concerned about me, I can not just burn him with my frustration.
I storm out from that shop and resume my walking without answering, Why bother to give an answer to the questions if you don't have any answer with yourself.
"Ishita, What the hell!" He yelled from behind.
Suddenly, He started to walk beside me. Trying to match my pace.
" Can't you just leave me alone?" I asked dryly without looking at him. 
"I have been trying lately, trust me" He confessed.
That thing caught me off guard, Does that means something? No, I don't want to think about anything.
" Okay fine, Don't bother to answer unless you want to, I will not push you for anything but I am really trying to get over you,” He snickers at me with a partial frustration and I guess I lost my mind. A wave of anger burst out from inside my chest.
"GET OVER ME! What does that mean? Did I tell you to come around? Did I tell you to grab my wrist? Did I tell you to type freaking long page mail to call me to the office? NO! I didn’t, then why are you trying to tell me that you are trying to get over me.” I burst out, I really can't control my emotions right now. How dare he to say something like that.
He was looking at me with wide eyes as if he doesn’t know what was that for.
" Yeah!! Okay, don't worry, it’s my problem to deal with, Sorry! I didn’t mean to... you know, please Just get in the car.” I didn’t say anything right away  “please," He said again.
" No, I can walk" I adamant.
" I know you can, but please just get in," He said with a pleased tone and I can’t help myself.
I huffed, I can’t believe I shouted on him, I shouldn't have done that. May be he was appropriate in his place.
I don't know what he was thinking but he was worried about me that's for sure.
He saw that scar's on my wrist and I am behaving oddly in here with him.
OH GOD! The realization hit me,
Does he think that scars have to do anything with me? I mean Yes! they belong to me but not like the way he thinks about them. Oh Crap!! I have to clear this mess.
Shit man, I really regretted my outburst. 
I never really think about the thing, that anyone would ever think that way of me.
He was silent the whole walk until we reached the car.
He stopped in front of his car and place his hand on small of my back to open his car door for me. I pressed my lips together to control my giggle.
He is really trying to be gentleman huh,
I glanced at his direction and saw the sorrow in his eyes. my smile fades away. I shouldn’t have done that kind of thing.
Just as he gets in I turned toward him with all courage I have.
"Look I am sorry for being rude earlier, I know I shouldn't have said or done anything like that" I apologized.
"Don't worry Ishita, Your job is in safe hands. It doesn't matter though. I am the one who shouldn't have said anything" He replied coldly.
That thing causes me to roll my eyes, Does he really thinks that the job is important for me! Well, Whatever he thinks I don’t care. But I do care the way he thinks about my scars and I have to clear his assumptions.
" Yeah, Okay! just hear me out then, I don't know what you were thinking about me lately, but it's definitely not the way you think," I rambled.
He turns his head in my direction and says “Please try more and enlightened me" I gripped the edge of my bag.
" Hn, You saw that scars on my wrist right, but they don’t have anything to do with me.” His face was confused,
“I mean Yes! they belong to me but not the way you think, I am not that stupid to open my veins and bleed to death or something like that" I said nervously and shrugged. He expelled an exaggerated breath like he did not know he was holding it this long.
"But they look like the same, you know! anyone can think as if" He trailed off and eyed them again.
"Hnn, but I don't care about anyone really" I mumbled
"So, how they happened to be there then" He inquired noticing my wrist continuously.
What possibly I should have to tell him? I can't say the truth to him.  I could lie easily, but is this the thing I want this long?  I have been lying with myself this long, will it change anything if I just pretend the whole time?
I looked at him, the sorrow, confusion, and care in his eyes is honest. He is patiently waiting for me to say something, but What can I say?
My life would have been so much better if these things wouldn’t have happened to me. This is freaking crazy that the height took everything from us!
I wish I’d never met him in that cafe.
“ You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” Ethan said with understanding.
I sighed, “ No, it just difficult” I mumbled.
He turned to look at me, cocking his head to the side. Obviously, he is attempting to read my expression, but could he find them out?
The answer to this question is, No!
“ Okay! Maybe we should go then” He announced
On the way to the office, No one said a word but that silence didn’t feel uncomfortable with me!
This city is so new for me, So different. When I was in Mumbai I was always around with a lot of people.
People are here too but these are different like no one cares about anyone.
Does life demand these things, these screaming things from you? No! It wants peace,
If someone could ask me, what do you want from your life? I would tell them “ I want to sit in front of the river, staring at her for hours and hours and hours without doing anything at all,  around with the dark shadows of the forest of long pine trees, and hear birds chirping with the cold breeze of mountains”
The way they have in Himalayan Range in Himachal Pradesh.