wish i were ⇾ p.c

9- star shopping

"right now I know that I'm not really worth it if you give me time I can work on it. give me some time while I work on it."
-lil peep

Jealousy is a horrible disease. I try not to wish I were someone else, or had what someone else had.

I always tried to be grateful for my life and everything I had. Even thought it wasn't the best, I hated to take anything for granted. Especially after my Dad died.

In truth, before he did, I was never that close with my Mom. I guess I was, but not like I was with him. So when I did lose him, I realized I was taking having a mom for granted and I wished I had been close with her my whole life. I'd hate myself if it were her who had died. Because I'd realize I needed to be grateful for her when it was too late.

I'd come to learn that being jealous of other people is just stupid, because everyone's got problems going on even though it seems like everything about them is perfect. Everyone's got a thing in their life they don't like. Or maybe something about themselves that makes them stand in front of a mirror and cry.

But here I am, being jealous. Of none other than Cherry Valance.

She's pretty, and rich, and smart and popular. But that's not why I was jealous of her. It was because she was dating the guy I had been in love with my whole life.

That's right. Dating. They'd made it official the night of their first date. The first freakin night!

I remember thinking the first date was moving a little quickly when Ponyboy called me on the phone that night to explain. But I guess they're happy, so...

That's what hurt the most. That Cherry and Ponyboy got to be happy and I didn't. All because of them being together I feel like I can't be happy. How could I be happy for her when I'm in love with her boyfriend?

And of course Ponyboy is my best friend so I just have to act happy for him. But it's so damn hard. I don't wanna be happy for him. I want to scream, "How could you date her? What about me? All these years I've loved you and you never knew! How?" Right at him. But I couldn't. It would ruin everything for everybody.

Every single day I wished that Cherry was the bad guy. But she wasn't and that's the worst part!

Cherry's so sweet. To everybody. Even me, and she's never done anything wrong and she's so nice and I hate it! I want to have a reason to hate her that's more than just my jealousy. Because that makes me the bad guy. To hate someone out of jealousy, that makes me the real bitch. I should be happy for her. That makes me the bitch and I'll never let myself forget it.

The last time I ever would stand in my bathroom I was doing nothing but stare at myself in the mirror and scream, "you are nothing, you are worthless, you're a bitch and that's why you'll never find love! Especially not from the only person you want it from!"

And that was it. I left the bathroom and took one last look around my room. One last time to remember the memories. I walked down the stairs one more time and looked at every room one more time but it didn't feel like home. It was still full of furniture, but it wasn't ours anymore. And I had a feeling I wouldn't feel truly at home for a long, long time.

Today's the day we are leaving. Right now. This is it. Goodbye to the only home I'd ever known. Goodbye to the home that held the only memories I'd have of my Dad, of my childhood, of everything. You were good to me.

I didn't even get to say goodbye with my mom. She was long gone. She had to drive that stupid moving van to the west side. I was alone until Josh pulled up in his stupid shiny thunderbird with Randy in the passenger seat.

The moving van only had room for one which my mom didn't realize before, so I had to wait here until Josh came to get me.

As I sat down in the backseat and closed the door, I stared out the window at my neighborhood. At my house. That was the last time I'd ever go inside of it. It wasn't my house anymore.

I looked at the Curtis' house too. A few hours ago, I'd stopped by there.

"Hey guys," I said as I entered the living room, a box full of stuff in my arms. It was all Ponyboy's. Things he'd left at my house; clothes, school work, books, whatever.

"Hey. You leavin' today?" Soda asked.

I nodded. "Where's Ponyboy? This stuffs his, I just wanted to drop it off before I left."

"He ain't here," Said Steve. "He's with that broad. The Soc." He said the word Soc very distastefully. Like the word was bile in his throat.

"Steve, stop it. Cherry's such a nice girl, Soc or not." Darry reasoned. I guess Pony had introduced them to each other some time in the past few days.

"I like her," said Dally, "she's feisty. Knows what she wants and isn't afraid to yell at anyone. Even me."

I hated how everyone was praising her. God, why can't we talk about anything else?

I set the box down.

"She know about that?" Steve asked with a sly smirk.

"About what?" I asked.

He gestured to the box. "That. Why do you have so much of his stuff anyway? Cherry ought ta be pissed. She'll think he's cheating!"

I felt my face get hot. Obviously Ponyboy would never cheat, and I'd had that stuff before they dated, solely for the reason that him and I are friends and he is constantly at my house. He even has tons of my things here. But I will admit, I kept one of his hoodies. It may seem pathetic, but I really wanted it.

"Oh, quit teasing the kid, Stevie." Soda replied. "I'll make sure he gets it." He finished, referring to the box.

I nodded in response. "I should get going. See you guys."

When I left, I felt angry tears streaming down my face. I wasn't angry at the gang or anything and I wasn't necessarily angry with Pony or Cherry either. I was just angry with the world. Because I didn't get what I wanted. How pathetic. And I was jealous. So pathetic. I hate myself for being like this.

That was then, and now here I am, driving away from my home in the east side to this new place in the west where I felt like an outsider. Like I wasn't meant to live there. I was so out of place here. I could never feel safe here, I'm just so out of place.