wish i were ⇾ p.c

10- all i want

"All I want is nothing more... than to hear you knocking at my door."
-kodaline

Happy new year! Schools back and better than ever! Not really. Nothings been better.

I've been living on the west side, and it's okay I guess. I discovered this thing in my closet (which I didn't have enough clothes to fill it with).

I was just doing some laundry when I saw this trapdoor on the ceiling. When I pulled it, a ladder cane hanging down and almost hit me right in the face, and it would have if I hadn't ducked away in time.

I climbed the ladder and it led right up to the roof of the house. My room had these huge floor to ceiling windows, there was no wall on one side, just the windows, and they faced the huge backyard. But from up here, I could see far beyond the backyard. I could see the road in the distance, the highway I had only been on a few times. I could see all the cars driving by and the pretty mess of colors of the headlights and street lamps. It was beautiful.

I wanted to show Ponyboy. It would be awesome to come up here and watch a sunset, I know he'd love it. But I haven't seen him since Christmas Eve.

Every year, I do a gift exchange with the gang, like a secret Santa type thing. I got Two Bit, which was easy, I just got him a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt since it's too cold for him to wear any of his Mickey t shirts.

Dally got me, and he got me a notebook, but when I looked inside it wasn't just normal paper. It was lined with music staffs, which would be very helpful because now when I write music I don't have to draw the staffs myself. It was very thoughtful of him, which is surprising, because... well, it's Dally.

Aside from the gang's gift exchange, Ponyboy and I always get each other something. We always have. This year I got him some new track spikes. The shoes were expensive and I'd been saving up for a while because I knew that his were getting really old and they weren't doing so great.

He got me a gold necklace with a sun on it. It was so pretty. He said it reminded him of all the sunrises and sunsets we'd watched together. I haven't taken it off once.

So yeah, that was Christmas Eve, then there was Christmas which was... different. With the new family and all. Then there was New Years. Mom and Josh went out and Randy had some of his friends over. Guys from the middle class. I stayed in my room all that night. It was one of the worst because I felt so alone.

I could've went to the Curtis', they had a small party get together thing. But all the boys had their girlfriends or dates with them and I'd be the only single one.

I wish I could be more like Randy. He had a lot of different friend groups but I only had one which was very inconvenient at times.

I wouldn't say I wished I fit in with the girls in my class though. I used to be friends with a lot of them, the girls who were in my honors classes and stuff.

But in 7th grade it was like everything changed. The girls stopped wearing their hair in long braids and started wearing short skirts and a lot of makeup. I mean, a lot of makeup. They'd act really dumb in the hallways around boys and were afraid to admit they were in honors classes. They'd say stuff like, "Oh, New Mexico is a real state!" And giggle and twirl their hair.

They always smiled and laughed and went to parties and football games and on dates. But none of them really seemed very happy. I honestly feel bad for them.

Today was my first day back at school since holiday break, and usually I'd be excited to go after being out of school for so long. But today I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. I just lay there and stared out the enormous window. This window made me feel like shit. It was probably worth more than a few months of bills at my old house. This whole house made me feel like shit. It was huge and expensive and fancy and clean and perfect. I didn't belong here.