Her & her

Late Night Thoughts

He back pedaled at full speed

He went from "I love you" way too soon to a black screen and "streaks"

I know it was nothing but it could have been almost something

It was more than I had ever had before

It was more than I am convinced I will ever have again

I know I'm not ready to bind my soul to another, not yet

Probably never

But I want nothing more than to find my other half

And part of me is tortured by the thought that I already have, but her puzzle piece edges don't line up with mine the way mine do with hers

And when I look at my puzzle piece edges, I can see how She clipped them so no one else will fit in me

And all I want is to feel love

And Mama tells me that just because you don't feel love doesn't mean the love isn't there, there are different types of love and not all of them leave you gasping for air or leave fireworks behind your heart

But I am gasping for air, air not stolen by the hands of another but from the black hole inside of me

And the explosions behind my heart aren't from fireworks in the shape of cascading, glittering butterflies, but from the cannons aimed at my brain

I'm scared of being alone

I'm convinced I will be alone

I'm forcing myself to come to terms with the fact that I will make a great aunt but never a wife

I grew up thinking relationships were destined to be and easy to come by

What else are you supposed to think when your parents met at fifteen and never loved anyone else?

When they are the happiest people together you have ever seen?

How am I supposed to compare to that?

How am I supposed to live with myself if I don't find that?

How am I even supposed to find that when the first person to see me as something other than a sister decides to cut off communication after two months?

I don't want to be alone

But that is all I seem to be