Her & her

#16- Hello Again

Hello Elizabeth

It's been awhile since I wrote to you

I had to force myself to stop after you called me your sister

All the experts say the key to getting over a broken heart is distance and time

It's been over eight months since I realized I loved you

Over eight months since I realized my greatest hope was an impossibility

And maybe three months since I realized just how much space I would need

Maybe three months since you defined our bond as sisters and I smiled with the cracks of a shattering heart echoing in my lonely ears

- It's not a coincidence that we've only talked once since your birthday -

I once wrote that your laugh is the helium in the balloon of my soul

and

That I would wake to a cotton candy sky whenever I fell asleep to thoughts of you

For many years the memory of your laugh has lifted me from the stones beneath my feet, allowing me to see beyond the trenches I so often find myself in

and

For a few months my mornings were nothing but vivid pastels and glimmering early morning sunshine, giving me a reason to once again love the sun and the beginnings he brings

I have come so far from that little girl we both once knew

The little girl you led by the hand throughout your church

The little girl with the traitorous heart that burst with unanswerable questions that I refused to listen to

The little girl who wielded razors and matches like armour against the demons inside her ruby red veins

The little girl who was scared to live

I am still terrified of you holding my hand, especially in a church

The only difference between me now and that little girl 7 years ago is now I have asked those questions that were buried behind the concrete fortress of a terrified child's heart

I have allowed them to thrive in the sunshine and watered them daily

I have given those questions not only tender care, but permission to exist

I no longer turn weapons against my own skin

And I am excited to be alive

Realizing I love you has lifted a weight I did not realize I was carrying

I may still be holding up my own sky up with trembling hands, but now the chains are gone and the cliff I stand beside is no longer crumbling

I am in the process of healing from so many things my dear

Healing from the imbalance of chemicals in my brain

Healing from the demons that choked me nightly

Healing from the paralyzing fear and paranoia of having a life I couldn't make myself worthy of living

Healing from Her words

Healing from scars

Healing from my 21 years of living

And I have only begun to heal my heart

Considering it took me like 7 years to accept that I was in love with you, it's probably gonna take me a whole lot longer than the three months I have already taken before I am well and truly over you

Before I think of you as my sister first and soulmate second

And I'm okay with that

One of the things I've learned over the past 5 years is that you can't force healing

It comes in it's own bittersweet time

I will smile around these lemons between my lips and I will teach myself to love their sting

Until one day, their acid no longer sears my tongue and I can sweeten them with the sugar of my heart

Sister I am learning

I am practicing filling up my own balloon with the precious air from my lungs

Not thoughts of yours

I'm learning how to paint the skies with early morning birdsong, my own peace, and the fire in my veins

Not the way your eyes smile up at me

I am learning how to love myself in lieu of loving you

It hurt not to write to you on nights when I cried, or when I drank maybe a little bit too much

And I'm sorry I didn't reach out these past few months, but it helped that you didn't reach out either

I will always love you, I will still do anything for you, and I will always be there for you

You are my best friend

Our souls are still intertwined, but now I know how

We were already sisters in everything but blood and legal documentation

But now I think I am ready to be just your sister

I will never tell you of course

But, I think I'm moving on

So, hello again, how are you?