Her & her

I Can't Say It

I haven't even said it out loud yet

Barely thought it in the past hour since I finally realized

So how can I tell anyone else

How can I tell my mother

My father

My grandmother

My church?

Especially when I know what I will become in their eyes

What I have become in my own?

Buried for years it has finally exploded to the surface

And now everything has changed

How can I look at her without wanting to be with her?

Without wanting to know the feeling of her fingers intertwined with mine?

How can I hear her voice without wanting more?

Without aching to hear it whisper words meant only for me?

I've loved her for years

For as long as I can remember

Probably for as long as I have been alive

Does she remember when she declared us soulmates?

Did I ever tell her that was one of the best moments of my life?

How can I tell anyone about the pain that glorious memory now brings?

How I have locked it away in the back of my heart and am too scared to look at it even when it's three am and I am alone?

How I'm especially scared to think of it when I am alone?

But she can't know

-Ever-

It'll change everything

How could I even tell her if I can't tell myself

I can't even say it here

On my own laptop where no one will ever see my horrible words

And the truth within my terrible heart

I can't admit it to myself because that would make it real

And that's not something I think I can fix

But I want to

I need to

I love you