Hello Elizabeth
It was good seeing you today
I enjoyed our little 'secret' conversation
It really felt like we were little kids again
Wrapped up in each other while the adults talked above us about whatever it is adults talk about
Taxes and public education and the state of our country
It's strange to think that we are adults now
We still talk about smelling candles and your half-anniversary plans and political protests
This will be your last year of college
And meanwhile, I feel like I'm just getting started
I feel like you're moving on without me while I'm trying to move on from you
I'm terrified of losing you
That fear has guided me for months
8 of them to be specific
And that is why you'll never know
At least, not until we're both happy with someone else
Not until I can stop thinking that every time you say you want to talk
I think you are going to reveal your heartfelt longing for me when instead you only want to talk over the significantly insignificant moments of each other's lives
-Like how you became a grandmother of twenty-odd guppies with no reasonable end in sight-
Not until I stop feeling weak in the knees when I think about you topping me in the middle of my mother's extremely conservative priest's sermon about Jesus and stuff
-I don't know I don't pay attention anymore, I'm always thinking of you-
Not until I can kill this sadness within my heart whenever I think of how much light your smile brings to a room and how your laughs lift the ceilings and lighten the night skies with stars made of your spoken syllables
-Orion is no longer my favourite constellation-
This sadness has become more distant, more removed these past 8 months
4 of them to be specific
But it is still there
And these traitorous thoughts still lunge from the shadows I have committed them to
Especially during church
When I think about how if God is real and if he can read minds then he must know how horrific I am to think these thoughts of you
Even if I don't actively think those thoughts of you
More observe and witness and watch and listen and
Shut. them. down.
I can barely digest that I'm gay
But being gay for you?
I may need 8 more months for that
YOU ARE READING
Her & her
PoetryAn intimate look into my journey from the perfect Catholic girl with internalized homophobia to a girl who is almost okay with her queer identity. Features poems on my journey of self-discovery and acceptance through my struggles with mental health...
