The lost queen

You do not marry a country, but a man

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We sat next to each other for hours, but not a word came out of our mouths. A hundred thoughts flew through my head.  Dinner was long over, and guests were dancing to the rhythm of classical music. My grandmother's presence made this a little easier for me, but the tension didn't go away.  I knew we weren't going to be friends right away, but we didn't even meet. His eyes wandered around the dining room as if looking for something. Petra interrupted my thoughts.

Petra: You did not eat much. Do you want me to take some food in your room?

Me: No, no need for that.

Petra: It will be okay. We will all love this place.

Me: I know. 

She just left. I turned to Nicolas, but he was still watching and looking for something.  Suddenly he turned to me and our eyes met. His light blue eyes could break even the deepest ice. He didn't care about me or our marriage. He whispered something to me.

Nicolas: Let's go and talk somewhere quiet.

We both got up and went into the long hallway that led to the garden. He opened the door that led outside and took me to a bench near the red tulips.

Nicolas: I do not think we met.

Me: I am Sofia.

Nicolas: Just Sofia?

Me: You know my title. 

Nicolas: Yes, I do. What is your story, Sofia?

Me: I was born in Sofia, Bulgaria, and I grew up there next to a person I have always called a mother. Everything changed when I turned 21.  Everything turned upside down, and so did my life. I learned that the person was not my mother and that my mother had died fifteen years ago. Also that I am the heir to the throne, but not of my country but of another.  I went to England and met my real family, at least a part of it. Then she met my grandmother and younger brother, who will become the king of Bulgaria when he grows up.  And then I came here, after a month of learning how to behave, how to govern. And then I met you. What about you?

Nicolas: I was born and raised in the royal family, here in Vienna. Three years ago, I lost my brother and father and became the heir to the Austrian throne. I never dreamed I would get married at the age of twenty-three, I wanted to be free, but fate had a different plan for me. A year ago, my mother told me that Princess Sofia had been promised to me, even at her birth, and that this marriage would only be a sign of peace between our two countries.  And then, after almost a year, I am married to the same girl that I saw in Duchess Elizabeth's hands many years ago. You were so small, I wasn't much older either. I was just a little boy, who didn't know what it meant to love, but I loved you. It only took me a few seconds to fall in love with your look. 

Me: So, you know me.

Nicolas: I do. 

I thought we could be one, but the next words pierced my heart.

Nicolas: But now that I know what love is like, I don't show my emotions. Don't expect much care from me. You are just a woman who should follow and support me in everything I do.

A tear slid over my cheek. I felt helpless, like a little child who has to listen to what adults tell him. I felt closed in this palace. I'll just be the subject here. No one will care about a woman. Women have less and fewer rights, and this is just the beginning, the beginning of something big, but also terrible. He just got up and left without a word. He was so cold and evil. He didn't care about feelings and love. He thought only of himself and his country.

I cried on that bench for a few more minutes. But I got up, gritted my teeth, wiped my tears, went to the celebration and sat down next to him. I wanted to pretend there was nothing as if I didn't care about him either. Austria was a large and powerful country. Maybe if I thought more like a queen and less like a wife, maybe this would hurt less. But how can a human being turn off emotions? I know what my grandmother would say ... You do not marry a country, but a man. But, how can I love this man?

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