Badboy and the emo reunite (BXB)

Chapter 10: Shanes memory lane.

At first, it was a few small kisses, then it got deeper, needier, loving, and desperate. It's so hard to describe how different it is than Jay and I. I missed this, I wanted this, it's always been this. Here with him, this is where I'm alive.

He and I lay back on his bed, holding hands just looking up at the ceiling.

"This reminds me of high school," I say simply.

"Oh yeah, definitely," he chuckled.

"You have no idea how much I missed this room, missed you being with me in here. I felt so lucky that you allowed me in and allowed me to be a part of your life. I knew you were closed off, you made it so obvious, but you still let me in. I felt like I could rule the world," I grin and laugh once he starts laughing. "When you and I broke up I was so low. I spent most of my time in my room. You probably noticed how I didn't go to school for a whole week," he hums and squeezes my hand. "I couldn't. I didn't sleep, didn't eat, I would cry half the day. Maddy was at my side the whole time, she saw the worst of me, but she always managed to pull me back up. When I did go back, Sammy and Gabe were at my side. And, so was Jay, surprisingly.

"Jay was serious about trying to make up for everything. I ended up depending on him, Gabe, and Sammy to keep me happy. Horrible idea, because now I'm stuck in the mess of dating him and still loving you. When you depend on someone for your happiness, it breaks you. You have to have reassurance for everything, you try and put them in control over you. You give yourself no say in most situations, and you break your walls for them. I convinced myself that it was me loving him, and wanting to be with him. I love him, as a friend, as someone I depend on.

"Now, I realized that a bit ago, about two months during therapy. But, because I am a dependent person, I can't un-attach myself. I want to, and I will, but that might mean attaching to you. I want to not be a dependent person. I want to live off of the happiness I receive from myself, not depend on others to make me happy. I've been talking with a therapist online, as I don't have much time for in-person sessions. I can't tell if it's been helping, but I've been doing things that do make me happy. Playing guitar," I put a finger up. "Cooking," I put another up and looked at him to see him smiling. "Reading," I smile and he looks over at me. "And messing with my hair."

He chuckled, turning over. He let go of my hand and then put his hand in my hair. I turn over.

"I've been trying. Trying to think of myself as well as thinking of others. We both know I couldn't stand up to others, let alone myself, so I focused on that. I bettered myself, learning that I could stand up for myself and others more. I gained some confidence, got more ballzy, and experienced more. I told you how I wanted to kill myself, but I didn't cause I promised. I promised and I didn't harm myself. But, I was going to, and that's when I realized I needed a change.

"I wish I waited a little while longer... okay, not a little, but waited longer. I started doubting that you'd come back to me. Why would you? I'm just a little emo that meant little to nothing to you. You could find someone better, a guy who could help you and make you happy instead of causing you problems. That's what I thought back then. I might have gained more confidence, and grown up a little, but I still had so much hatred towards myself for causing you problems."

He's silent, but it's a silence I got used to back then. The silence where I knew the words he would tell me. It's okay. I'm okay. He's here. He's okay. That silence, I know it was that one because of the look in his eyes.

"You came back. I dont know, it was kinda like a part of me came back. I missed going out when it was dark with you, I missed going to John's bar with you," He smiled. "I missed times like this when we'd just chill out in here. I missed the time we just sat in the tree in silence. I missed going to the gym with you, even though I hated going to the actual gym I loved being with you. Things have definitely changed, but I want those to go back." It keeps silent for a minute. "I just don't know how this is going to play out now that I brought Jay into this."

"We'll figure that out together. Okay?" He reassured me, so I smiled and nodded. "And thank you, for keeping your end of the promise."

"Even when you didn't?"

"I tried my hardest."

"I know, thank you."

-

"Are you gonna tell you're family why you're back?"

"I don't think I can right now."

"If you need my help, or want me there, call me."

"I will."

"If you get worried about me call me."

"I know."

"Just call if you want to talk."

"I'm starting to think I'm not the only one with PTSD after what happened."

I chuckle, "maybe. Just know you can call or text whenever."

He kisses my forehead, "I will promise."

"Good, then so will I. And, we'll talk about getting together soon, maybe with Maddy."

"Great," I'm pulled into a hug. Not the one I love and want back, but I know it'll be back one day soon. "I'll hold you to it."

"Then so will I."