i just want to grow out my nails so i can dig them into my skin when im angry instead of getting yelled at for having a bratty tone of voice or being loud or tossing things around. if i expressed my anger its offensive to my dad so i have to bottle everything up and it leads me to feel like this. i feel weighted down and angry but empty and sad. i want to do something but i cant.
its been so long. i met a girl on twitter and we started dating but she just recently asked for a break because she feels like i dont like her. its all my fault. i havent felt up to the task of talking to people or being happy for their benefit and its driving people away.
i was going to start this job but i had to quit because every time i thought about going i had an anxiety attack. its the most i had cried in a while. i feel so suffocated by inability to be a fucking functioning human being i feel like im incompetent and im letting everyone down.
i barely passed my classes. i failed spanish because i am so devout of motivation or drive to do well in life that i just gave up. i keep disappointing everyone because i am not normal.
so many of my friends on twitter are suicidal and i feel so fucking useless because i dont know how to help. anything ive tried before hasnt worked.
i feel so disconnected from the world. everyone functions well and moves on from things so quickly so why cant i? im starting to think im cursed. i wish i could just fucking function like a normal person, someone who isnt fucking useless to the people who need them.
i have been taking a break from twitter and i told the people who wanted to keep in contact to ask me for my number but no one did. it just proves that no one on that app actually is my friend they just see me as entertainment for when theyre bored.
my head is so foggy and dark all the time its hard to think. i have no idea what to write for my story and its just upsetting and disappointing the readers.
ive been wanting to clean out and organize my room but i dont feel anything so id be getting rid of everything.
at least i sleep normally. ive been getting 10 hours of sleep pretty much every night. good to know my brain only works right when im unconscious.
i feel like id feel better if i could cry. im just so fucking frustrated because i cant feel anything and its dragging everyone down.
fuck and now i feel so selfish i just realized because me and lily broke up we split up the group. i shouldve stayed friends with her like she asked. we split up and its all my fault. i ruin everything
