whenever something good happens to me its always followed with something bad. i rearranged my room and i felt like i was organized and had a fresh start then i fuck it up by trying to have fun with my cat and she got my airpod stuck in a big hole in the floor and ill never be able to get it out and ill have to tell my mom that i lost my airpod and i got my schedule for this year and i have a teacher i hate and shes mean and she gives so much homework and im already stressed. if im happy for long periods of time bad things happen. i guess i dont really deserve to be happy in the eyes of the universe. im starting to think the world just wants to see me fail
oh yeah and she broke up with me too. she said i was too comfortable or whatever the fuck that means. im never fucking dating someone on an app again its so fucking stupid.
all ive been feeling now is the overwhelming need to be comforted. i think thats why i believe i want to be in relationships but im never happy in them. i just need comfort but no one seems to be able to do that. all i want is someone to say theyre proud of me.
but its hard for anyone to say that when i do nothing worthy of being proud of or worthy of praise. all i do is let people down. i dont even let people down anymore because theyre so used to being let down its expected for me to be a failure. my family is just tired of me. all i do is annoy them. i never shut up and i always make them angry with me. im not a good daughter or sister or friend or girlfriend or student or peer or upperclassmen im just disappointing. i dont even know how to fucking spell disappointing and im almost sixteen.
i keep thinking that my mental health is getting better but then shit like this happens and i go back to being angry with myself but never changing.
this is why no one likes me. because i never improve myself. ive made so many broken promises about being better that i dont think anyone believes me anymore.
i feel like when im too quiet im not contributing enough and im weird but when i talk a lot i think everyones tired of being around me.
i feel like im being set up to fail. after everything ive done in school my family and teachers still expect so much. they always talk about how smart i am and how talented i am but im not either of those things. ive done nothing but fail to meet their expectations yet they still think of me as this person whos so naturally smart and gifted but never tries because theyre lazy. i do try and i know its not as much as i should but if i try as much as i should and i still fail then it will just go to show that im not the person people think i am. i want people to think im smart but im not. im stupid and sad and scared all the time and i wish i could just be normal.
i have this thing called rejection sensitive dysphoria and basically what it is is that i take every single comment to heart and i somehow make it negative. i get critiqued and i start crying because of how much of a failure i am. i think thats why im afraid to try. i dont want to put everything into work and then be criticized for it so i dont try at all so its easier to take the criticism. i had a project i wanted to do last year about making a log about learning to sew for sustainability and my teacher shut me down and i started crying but i stopped because i shut off all my emotions which led my friends to be disappointed because i wasnt happy and funny.
i can never win. i feel like the world is against me. im supposed to succeed in school to get a degree and go to college but i cant because all i do is fail and let people down. im so much dumber than the rest of my peers and i bet theyre so tired of me never being active and participating in class because my brain doesnt work as fast as them.
i want help but my independency keeps my from asking. i dont ever know what to do because the last time i asked for help my dad kept me up at 1 am because he wanted to check the weather forecast over helping me with my homework. he didnt even finish helping me i just left and cried in my room.
when i was younger i told him i could go to scpa which is the school for the creative and performing arts and he basically said i have no talent. what he said was "you getting into scpa is like me getting into yale" he was like 45 at the time and i was 12.
i remember when my little sister was bullying me and i told my mom and she didnt believe me.
maybe all of my issues with telling people about my problems and opening up to them and asking for help stem from those things.
im so anxious to go back to school because im so miserable all the time during that time. my anxiety leaves me left out from having friends in my classes and doing good on stuff. my adhd leaves me out from learning and being a good student. i just hate it so much. i hate it. i always end up with headaches at the end of school because im too uncomfortable to eat and im always sad there.
