great so im gonna start now
first things first, if you saw any of that soft shit no you didnt. that wasnt me, that was me convincing myself that that was the only way to get attention from my s/o. not their fault not anyones fault and ppl who actually do that stuff are fuckin valid as shit but you will pretend you never saw it.
NEXT
if you ever saw any images of me no you didnt, i was in eighth grade and i thought i was old enough to post images of myself on this app/ website, i was not and i am highly uncomfortable with people knowing what i look like on here, ESPECIALLY at that age. i was 13 or 14 and im 17 now, not saying im a mature all-knowing adult, but i know more than i did then.
this is a lot less important so im gonna not put like a sub title for it. i want to say it here because i feel better about my identity after years and years of confusion. im still a little confused but its a lot clearer now. im aro. i thought i was bi bc i liked everyone the same amount, but i was still uncomfortable with dating anyone and i just assumed it was poor timing or i was emotionally unavailable. i also think im ace but i haven gotten far into that yet.
gender wise im not a girl. thought i was up until like late 2020 then i thought i was trans but i think im just some dude. i dont like to label my gender but i prefer they/them but he/she is okay sometimes.
did i ever go by my legal name on here? no, or maybe i did. do i care to cover my tracks? no because how the fuck would you even find that out
i havent really had any good relationship experiences because of it but anyway.
my ex, the first one, not the guy, is not a good person. theyre manipulative, they refuse to believe theyre ever in the wrong, a hypocrite, yada yada whatever whatever. theres a lot i could talk about but ill prob do that in another chapter or something.
yes i did just log back into wattpad to use it as an outlet because i have no where i can rant without my best friend seeing anymore, and i really need a place to rant that wouldnt be personal or one on one because i dont feel like i can talk to them about things anymore.
hold on i gotta shit rq
okay i just deleted my whole library and my reading lists so i could open this shit without being scarred by what i read in middle school. and yeah it is fucking embarrassing being on wattpad at my big age but this is my only outlet cause i havent seen my therapist in a year and my mom thinks im basically fixed.
grammarlys tryna kick my ass rn and im not having it. -82 errors this dick grammarly i have unexplained symptoms and undiagnosed autism-
had to turn on some tunes cause danny gonzalez was not cuttin it sorry danny bo banny
what is smthing else i need to talk
ah i still watch anime and i listen to kpop a little, nothing new, and i dont participate in stan culture. i like the bands, thats it. i still do like making kpoppies mad as shit tho, theyre always so quick to anger esp on tiktok lmao.
im just talking about mundane shit so i dont have to talk about my current issues
ah im still going to the same school. next week is exam week and i only have to go in one day cause all my other exams were projects.
i still think im like low key in love with the same girl from the past like 5 years but its not like im romantically in love with her its like shes just really important to me and im proud of her and happy for her cause shes grown a lot and is a very mature and loving person.
IM OFF MY MEDS ??? yeah i had to take them last year during summer school but other than that i havent been on them in a while because they actually make me feel so sick and yes ive tried different medications and dosages.
ALso my ed is not raging and i actually eat like a normal person now so thats good. my allergies are kicking me in the ass tho rn so i have a headache and a cough and congestion n shit like it sucks absolute booty but whatever i guess cause i took a covid test and it was negative so its either just a cokd or allergies cause i dont have a fever or anything
NO I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ABT MY EX TEXTING OTHER PEOPLE
- i know it looks like stupid middle schooler shit but something ive never been able to put into words i can finally do. its emotional cheating. in my opinion it doesnt matter if youre kissing or fucking other people in a relationship as long as youre not hiding it and theres nothing emotional behind it, but that was fully emotional, there was no physical attraction bc they never fucking knew them irl, so yeah that hurt and it was valid of me to be hurt by that and im not going to be embarrassed bc my ex was texting someone else ESPECIALLY because in the texts previously shown, they said theyd break up with me soon but hey waited 4 months to do so.
next qualm.
i WAS dumb for thinking i was too old for pigtails, i was a freshman, i can still year them as im going to be a senior, hairstyles dont have a fucking age that was just another runoff thing from me forcibly infantilizing myself.
i unpublished several chapters because they had things i was not comfortable with continuing to keep on the internet but some of them had important parts of my life in them but im not going to edit and republish them because this is for me only.
im still basically in the same headspace of constantly disappointing ppl n shit but now i care a little less, maybe its because i keep doing it or maybe its because i have learned to accept that all my shortcomings are school related and school is just something im not good at and thats okay because i shouldnt be basing my self worth on something im bad at, either or.
i think that leads me to the present. cool and epic
