I can't believe I'm going into 2019 sad. Everything is overwhelming me. I can't cry. I can't talk. I can't sleep. I can't sit still. I have a migraine. The closest I've gotten to crying tonight is tearing up several times. I have not shed a single tear yet. My mom left my door open and I can hear their show and it makes me want to cry. I wish I could sleep. I'm falling back into a depression. The same one from 6th grade. I don't talk to people I don't eat. I don't cry. I don't feel. I am always angry. But it's not a real angry. It's an empty frustration. Im frustrated with myself because I'm empty. I will be on the verge of tears and suddenly my brain shuts off and thinks ' this is stupid. What's the point.' I tried to sleep but I just lied here for an hour with zero thoughts. The most I could muster up was closing my eyes. I just want to sleep. I want silence. I want to lose my migraine. I want my door closed. Now I know what you're thinking 'why don't you do it?' Well. I don't want to get up. If I get up my parents will hear me and want to talk to me. I don't have enough energy to get up and close it. I have enough physical energy but everything is just so heavy. I don't have enough emotional energy to get up. I'm sad and I hate myself. I wish I could just sleep forever. But I don't want to die because death is scary. And by forever I mean just a really long time. The rest of my family is in the living room. I just want my cat to come back. He left when my mom opened the door. He's all of my emotional support and I love him so much it hurts. I know he doesn't love me like I love him but that's okay I guess.
The thing is I don't know if I'm actually depressed. All I do is lay in my bed all day because doing life is just so tiring and whenever I say that to one of my friends they're just like 'same'. I don't know if they really know what I mean. For me, getting out of bed is such a struggle. I physically cannot talk in the mornings and when I force myself to talk it feels like all of the energy in my body was sucked out of me. It takes me hours to complete a 15 minute homework assignment. It's hard and then all I get are c's. And then people are like 'oh you're so smart' and then I tell them about my grades and they're suddenly like 'I guess I'm smarter than you' which is probably true but it is so hard to complete tasks that others can do so easily.
All my life everyone has called me lazy when it comes to school. I used to always get bad grades. Up until this year all of my grades have been bad. My parents kept saying that I need to try harder. My teachers thought I was a good student yet they didn't ask me why I had bad grades. No one thought that something could be wrong. Because ' typical Anna. She never tries on anything. She's soo smart but she doesn't use her brain to it's full potential.' To some extent that is true but thy never thought that I could actually struggle with work. I don't understand so many things but my parents would just dismiss me when I asked for help saying that I'm smart and they don't have time to help me. All my dad does outside of work is sit on the couch and play on his computer. He kept me up until 1 am because he decided the news was more important than my grades.
I am always lethargic. It isn't an occasion. People have taken my suffering and then called me chill and mature. I mean I am but I'm also tired which takes all of the energy away that kids my age usually have. I don't talk to my friends at lunch. I don't eat anything. They don't care. It's just me being me. But I do have one friend that actually cares because she is clinically depressed. She knows what it's like for all days to be bad. I love her so much. She keeps me from losing faith in people. She makes me slap happy in 7th bell. She's the only one who can do it. I've never really understood someone so well.
While writing this, I have come to the conclusion that:
My friends don't really care
My migraine is not going away
The only thing I love about myself is my friend
I really want this door closed
I can't say I'm depressed because I'm not diagnosed
I'm really chill
People don't believe what I have to say
The world is bs
I hate people
Adults are oppressive
Happy new year
Start: 11:34 pm
End: 12:02 am
