surprise i'm still alive.
i think my brain hates me because every time i try to think of Pierce, it's really hard, like my brain is trying to block off any memory of him. his existence seems like a dream to me now, like it never happened. i know he did exist, i'm pretty sure of it.
but the school has moved on so i should too, right? that's why i'm getting so much homework right?
i normally have no motivation to do stuff, but now i just can't. i don't know how to explain it but things like homework for me now seem so easy but then i think about doing it and i can already feel the pressure. not like stress pressure but it's like a pressure on my being. i'm not feeling the stress of grades i'm feeling the energy it takes to do work without even doing it.
i know that it's a stereotypical thing for a teenager to say that they don't feel like anyone understands them but it's how i feel.
my dad doesn't understand that even though i'm a kid, he should still do the little things i ask of him like closing my door or leaving my computer on. all he does is yell at me when i tell him that he's not respecting me.
my friends don't understand that i'm sad and i want to spend as much time as i can with them because i'm so lonely throughout the day, and i just need them for support even though they don't recognize my emotions because i show a lack of emotions.
my girlfriend doesn't understand that i want to give her my love but i'm too scared to do it. i want to hold hands and cuddle and talk, but i just come off as emotionless.
my teachers don't understand that i'm sorry and i know that i'm supposed to do all of my homework but i just can't bring myself to do it. i know that i don't participate in class but that doesn't mean i'm not listening. i wish they knew that i don't participate in class because the thought of being wrong in class makes me want to cry.
my peers don't understand that even though i'm in honors classes doesn't mean i'm like them. they are all so smart and so quick to understand things it makes me look like all i do is copy their work. they don't understand that i'm not mean, i just want someone to talk to me. i'm sorry i can't talk to people or present in class for our groups, i'm sorry i'm making things so difficult. i'm trying, and calling me out for it doesn't help, it makes it worse.
i don't understand that people actually care for me and that people want to hear what i have to say. i don't understand how people could possibly love me because there's nothing to love. i don't understand why i'm so stupid.
