butt jokes - dirkjohn

chapter two: john's unhinged amount of knowledge on nic cage saves the day

john knocked on the door to dave's apartment, and was immediately greeted by a smiling karkat and a hug attack from jade. she literally launched herself onto him with a squeal, almost knocking him off of his feet. he could remember when she was 13 years old and still 4'10. the teasing for being short worked, being that she's almost six feet tall and john was of average male height (don't ask). but, he was happy to be back with his friends.
they were the last to arrive, the group erupting with greetings and excitement from their places on the couch and floor. nepeta waved both their hands very stiffly in the air, excited for terezi to join the cuddle pile. the bracelets on their wrists clacked together as they vigorously waved her arms. dave waved from the chair he was sitting in, karkat standing behind it grabbing at dave's hair and twirling it between his fingers. as he waved over to the boys by the chair, roxy grabbed at his ankles from the floor, laying on her stomach. she smiled at him. he smiled back.
"wassup johnny boy," she said with a smile.
"just getting attack by a crazy cat lady, not much," he joked at her.
"low blow with the feline joke, john, theres cat girls here," she said rolling onto her back, looking at upside down john and letting his legs go. she shot him a wink and rolled and went to greet his favorite girls. his mom's, perhaps.
john smiled and greeted rose and kanaya in the kitchen, getting a peck on the cheek from rose as they both greeted him. he rubbed the black lipstick off his cheek with the back of his hand. terezi had already joined the group's loud conversations of laughter and jokes before hand. karkat and dave had snuggled up on a small chair off to the side, while roxy, jade, nepeta, and terezi laid sprawled out across the floor in a pile of pillows and blankets. roxy's loud laugh drowned everyone out. dirk sat stiff on the couch, hunched over on his phone. he chimed in with jokes every once in awhile, but he was obviously overstimulated and needed a minute to roll into a ball and look at tiktok. everyone was in their finest comfy clothes. almost everyone was in pajamas pants or shorts with hoodie or comfy, stupid graphic t-shirts.
john happily helped the couple in the kitchen prepare microwave popcorn and distribute cups of whatever everyone wanted to drink into the crowd. he dropped sour gummy worms into terezi's cup of sprite. karkat and dave got first dibs on what they wanted to watch as the hosts, so tonight was a super sexy viewing of the cult classic grownups 2. of course it had to be adam sandler. it's dave were talking about here i believe he once called him "judaism's jesus."
the couple and john entered the living area and started distributing huge bowls of instant pop popcorn to everyone in the room, the group thanking the three. rose and kanaya had already snuggled up in one corner of the couch, leaving two cushions. dirk had already been sitting cross legged in the center of the couch, so john immediately curled up on the opposite end of the girls, leaving a foot hanging down to swing at terezi's head to annoy them.
dave stood up to flick the light switch off as karkat got the movie pulled up on the tv.
"thank you all for coming to the epic sexy hot movie party movie night. this turn out is a big pog. tonight's film is truly a classic, considered modern art by some." he said in the most dramatic tone he could muster up. "introducing, grownups 2." he slowly backed away for dramatic effect as karkat pressed play on the remote at the perfect time. the audience clapped and cheered for what has to be, honestly, one of the better adam sandler movies.
no one shut up throughout the movie. it was constant comments and jokes about how genuinely awful this movie was. karkat would argue with anyone about it, and john thought it was funny as fuck.
"why did we have to choose absolutely horrible adam sandler comedies?" john said, being forced to watch kevin james get kicked in the balls. again. it's already happened too many times, but the funny factor never truly goes away. something about balls brings out the humor in a man.
"you absolutely can't argue that hes not a 'cultural icon.'" karkat was ready for his ninety-seventh arguement defending this festering pile of shit.
"i mean, yeah, but he makes HORRIBLE movies,"
"yeah, like nic cage is any better,"
"he is! he is extremely better!" john looked disgusted by karkat's claim, because it was a disgusting thing to say, disgusting motherfucker. how dare he, honestly. fucking rude.
 "how so? the fuckers got a reflective white pyramid reserved for him to be buried in,"
"he's prepared! AND hes better at acting, and is much more attractive! at least, according to multiple teenage magazines. i've researched this." john argued, a thousand times more calm then karkat. john had researched this after all. that wasn't a joke he made, he genuinely researched nic cage facts when he got bored, the fucking nerd.
"nic cage is one of the ugliest assfaces ive ever seen," karkat was trapped in a corner, as john simply knew too much about the cage. he could never win.
"have you seen adam sandler? he looks like a human... giraffe... uh... hybrid thing!" roxy was cackling at this point. karkat shut up before john could get any further, but it was already far too late. john whipped out his phone and already had the giraffe. he had the fucking giraffe handy. he was waiting for that argument, too. the giraffe actually did look eerily like adam sandler. fucking weird. "its unnerving," he said, shoving his overly protected phone in his face. the giraffe had won. all was right in the world.
he sat his ass back down and crossed his arms in a mocking sense, faking fun of karkat who was going to be pouting until he either forgot or came up with something to say. dirk looked over to john.
"y'know egbert, you're actually pretty funny," dirk said with the cutest smile john had ever seen. in a friendly way!! he's straight. he just really loves his friends. in a platonic way. not gay. for real! john can say when he see's a good man!
john's face lit up bright red, a big dopey smile spreading across his face. he just loves making new friends so much. he also love's when people think he's funny because he knows he is.
"and, i gotta agree, nic cage is far better than the writer of deuce fucking bigelow." dirk joked, his voice softer and smoother than anyone else's. not in a gay way. the guy just has a nice voice. rose has a nice voice too. THAT doesn't sound gay, that sounds straight. even though rose is a lesbian, which is fine. john is not gay, but he's not a homophobe!!!! he loves gay people. platonically. he doesn't love gay people in a gay way. that would be gay. john is not gay. for real.
"nic cage is a national treasure," john replied.
dirk groaned, laughing out a, "oh fuck, a pun. someone give him a prize."
yes! john's joke landed. he was dead set on impressing dirk now, simply with the mindset of making a friend. god, he loves friends. he had never really talked to dirk that much. he liked this spot on the couch. this is epic. he opened his mouth to try and make another joke, but was rudely interrupted by a groan from karkat.
"you know what, no. you're so fucking wrong," karkat started. he had sat and pouted about it until he blew, just like i said. "no one with a valid opinion fucking enjoys nic cage movies. i can't listen to you two flirt about nic fucking cage."
"first of all! i am not flirting, i am making friends, karkat. second, why does nic cage just unlock this primal rage in you?" john did not wanna go through this again but... who can resist fucking with karkat. dirk looked at john with a blank expression.
"he fucking doesn't! you're just so fucking idiotic that i cant understand what leads you to even begin to think that that fuggly hairy taint of a man could be worthy of respect. he looks like he works in an earth walmart!"
"is nic cage's raw talent too much for you?" john joked. karkat was livid.
"john, i swear on every ass-licking thing you believe in-"rose intervened
 "can you two PLEASE shut your mouth's for long enough that we can hear a line of this movie?" she said, her brows furrowed in frustration. she sat up straight and looked between the two. kanaya sat with one hand around roses waist, the other pressing on the bridge if her nose, tired of their shit. dave laughed at them, karkat getting red and crossing his arms. he mumbled shit to himself about why he was arguing. john just shut his mouth and gave a nod, getting a laugh from dirk. he listens to his mom. he's a good jewish boy.