you're my nightmare, and i love you✔️ {p.jh+k.yh}

[twenty-five]

I heard this song while writing and I can feel tears running on my cheeks hElP
...

hearing the sound of the doorbell, he stopped his tracks going upstairs. he didn't dare move.

all jaehyung could think about right now is who gave him all those candies for him. he never asked, wished, or even thought about candy. he's just too busy thinking about the future. would he go to work? would he have a good life? would he spend it with someone? all these questions are unanswered, and he has been anxiously waiting for the answer. he's tired of life, tired of every single thing, every single event that's going on with his life. he lost a lot of people, he lost a lot of everything.

closing his eyes, he wish he could stay there, and not open his eyes again.

"younghyun?" he called out, walking down slowly. he knows it's him. every single day was about him and only him. it didn't matter if it's raining or it's snowing or it's the worst day of his life, he thought about someone special coming to his doorstep. he just wish that it's really him. "is that you?" jaehyung asked once more.

no answer.

"younghyun, that's you, isn't it." he tilted his head towards the kitchen, where his mom had stopped drinking and walked slowly towards the door. "you don't have manners do you? don't let people wait." she said angrily, motioning jaehyung to open the door.

but the woman knew who this person is. she just wanted her son to open the door.

jaehyung obeyed, staring at the brown painted door and opened it, seeing someone who he never thought would come to him.

the person who he used to be so cold to.
the person that he used to hate.
the person who gave him a chance to see the world a little bit more.
the person who was and always be faithful to let him live.
the person who meant something to him so much that it hurts seeing him go.
the person who cares and the person who loved.
the person who waited for him.

all this time, he knew who he loves. and it's him.

"I don't know what to say but-" jaehyung stopped his words and he saw the younger boy hug him, his soft hands circling his neck, crying a tiny bit. he knew because he heard heavy sounds of breathing coming from younghyun.

"I miss you. I'm sorry for what I did and I should've just stayed here-"
"what are you sorry for?" jaehyung asked, clueless as he tried his best to put his left hand of the younger's back, rubbing it while his right hand held younghyun's head, clasping the boy's head on his shoulder. "you don't have to say sorry. it wasn't your fault and I would believe you that your father has been doing things."

younghyun lifted his face, showing his red nose and eyes, a tear escaping from it. "you have to be kidding me."

"it's okay. just let go of the past and start living in the present." the older hugged the boy, who still cried but he managed to make it quiet, because it's in the middle of the night and everyone's sleeping. "don't cry. you're just making my shirt wet."

"idiot." "shut up."
...

he meant something to me. it's not just simply being friends, but it's turning to loving each other. to me, he resembled the moon, illuminating the sky. as soon as he left, there's only darkness left inside my mind. sometimes I just give up finding you, because I give up on a lot of things. it grew to me because of my family. I love and cherish every single one of them as a child, but nothing seem to survive until I lost two. my mom didn't even know I existed, let alone herself, who has been drowning in weird drinks I tried out for myself. I slowly turn into a monster, not knowing who I am and not caring for those who cares about me. all I was thinking is no one but myself. I've been so trapped in this cage, that I felt like I've lost in life.

when I saw your eyes I thought, that I can escape from this cage. I can be free and fly away. but the more I got closer to you, I feel like you're going to be like me. similar to me, and you're going to do bad, horrible things just like myself. and I don't want that. I'm scared that you'll be another version of me, of course I want you to be someone else. I'm afraid that you'll be like me, doing bad things and leaving those who love me.

I'm afraid.

not that I'm a scaredy cat or anything, but I want you to always be happy. even if I'm not, I'll try to be one. I just can't get over anyone that I live who died. my sister, who shaped me like clay to be a different person than my dad, who stole as a part of a job. it's not great when she left me. no one can replace her but someone can try to continue to do her work. and that's you. I can't say I love you because I don't like that word, I hate that. that was how I'm made. I know I'm saying nonsense, but I'd rather find another word for love. love is boring. not the act, but the word. it appears everywhere, but I don't like being normal. I can't replace the word love, so, I love you, hyun. even if we just met for a while, left each other for a few years, I would like to follow you everywhere. I would like to see you wherever you go. you make me happy and thus, I would want to be happy with you.

200721. jae.

END