Dad: your toaster oven was delivered yesterday
Son: cool!
Dad: no it only does warm
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What did the hat say to the hat rack?
You stay here I'm going on ahead
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A boss is like a diaper/nappy:
Always on your a*s and usually full of sh*t
____________________________________________________________________________
That awkward moment when your crush asks who your crush is
____________________________________________________________________________
Me: should I get in trouble for something I didn't do?
Teacher: no.
Me: good, because I didn't do my homework.
____________________________________________________________________________
Wifi went down for 5 minutes so I had to go and talk to my family,
They seem like nice people.
____________________________________________________________________________
Dear algebra,
Please stop asking us to find your X
She isn't coming back
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Roses are red,
Here's something new,
Violets are violet,
Not f*cking blue!
____________________________________________________________________________
How to make a girl furious in two steps...
1: take a picture of her
2: don't show it to her
____________________________________________________________________________
Very morning I jog around my block 15 times,
Then I pick up the block and put it back in my toy chest
____________________________________________________________________________
69% of people will find something wrong with this sentance.
____________________________________________________________________________
I think the guy who invented ties was trying to commit suicide then saw himself
In the mirror and thought 'this looks nice'
____________________________________________________________________________
World war 2 could have been prevented, if only someone gave hitler a snickers.
____________________________________________________________________________
I predict that in the future youtube,twitter and Facebook will all merge to create one
time-wasting website called 'YouTwitFace'
____________________________________________________________________________
DO NOT READ THE NEXT SENTANCE!
You little rebel, I like you.
____________________________________________________________________________
Friend: I'm bringing sexy back!
Me: your the reason sexy left.
____________________________________________________________________________
Teacher: Kids,what does the chicken give you?
Student: Meat!
Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you?
Student: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
Student: Homework!
____________________________________________________________________________
Where did Sally go when the bomb went off?
Everywhere.
____________________________________________________________________________
What's big white and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A fridge
____________________________________________________________________________
"I'm sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing, except at a funeral.
____________________________________________________________________________
I not saying she's a sl*t but she's be banged more times then the first pipe on flappy
bird.
____________________________________________________________________________
Bully: your d*ck is the size of a tic-tac
Nerd: is that why your mums breath is so minty fresh in the morning?
____________________________________________________________________________
When I was a kid, my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should
always wear a condom. Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.
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A/n
Hey! Hopefully this chapter was a bit longer, I've been trying to make them longer for you :)
I apologise for the amount of swearing in this update.....
Please leave a comment in my book if you have the spare time they really make my day!!
I love you guys so much! Xx
