Never Her

One

Olivia sighed as she exited the precinct. It has been one of the worst days of their lives. Jenna open fired on the precinct. It all happened so fast it made Olivia's head spin. The last thing she remembers was Elliot firing his gun. Her brain blocked out everything after and she went into auto-pilot cop mode.

Elliot had gone home soon after and they had to go separate ways for when IAB showed up. All she wanted was to get home to him and wrap him in her arms. She knew this was going to be a nightmare. She saw the hurt in eyes the minute he fired. He killed a teenager. It reminded him of his daughters. She just knew she was going to have to be his rock when she returned home.

First, she needed to take a breath. She stopped by a hole in the wall bar by their apartment. After ordering her drink, she just sat. There was so much Olivia needed to process before she had to shove it all down to take care of Elliot.

The events that went down today rocked Olivia. It never felt good when a cop had to shoot somebody, regardless of a situation. It felt even worse when it ended fatally.

After a few drinks, she decided to walk the rest of the way home to finish clearing her head. The wind picked up substantially so she walked fast. Once she arrived at the building, she nodded to the doorman and made her way into the elevator. She checked her phone to see a message from Cragen.

"Cragen: You both will be off for a few days. Take it easy."

She pocketed her phone as she approached the door. As she went to open it, she realized it was locked. She frowned as she dug out her keys from her bag. Elliot should be home and he never locked the door when he was waiting for her.

Olivia let herself in and locked the door again. She set down her purse and called for Elliot while she put her gun and badge into the safe they had at the front door. She frowned again once she heard no response. She slipped off her shoes and coat before going to search for him.

Her feet padded across the hardwood floor as she walked through the kitchen and dining room. No sign of him yet but she knew he was home. His shoes were by the front door. She opened their bedroom door and there was no sign of him in there. She began to worry. This was very unusual. He always met her at the front door with a kiss if they didn't return home together.

She called for his name again as she walked back down the hall. She then noticed their office light was on but the door was closed. "Elliot?", she called as she approached the door. Once again, the door was locked. They never locked the office door and it could only lock from the inside. "Elliot!", she yelled a little louder. She could hear movement in there but he didn't unlock the door or answer.

She started banging on the door trying to get him to open it. They didn't do this. They didn't run from each other. Why was he doing this?

After waiting for a few minutes, she was getting scared. She backed up and slammed into the door. It didn't work, so she tried again. This time the door gave way and she went stumbling into the room. What she saw made her gasp in fear.

Elliot sat in their office chair with tears streaming down his face. There was a bottle of bourbon on the desk and he had his gun in his hand. She didn't even notice it wasn't in the safe.

"Baby, what are you doing?", she cried as she approached him. He started to cry harder as he waved the gun wildly. Elliot began yelling for her to get out of the room. She shook her head as she tried to get closer.

"Leave me alone, Liv!" He screamed. She panicked and took a few steps back. She calmly tried to get him to put the gun down.

"I killed a kid, Olivia! I killed a kid! I don't deserve to live after killing a kid," he rubbed his eyes hard as he was fiddling with the gun.

She tried to approach him once again while he was looking down. "Elliot. Elliot! Look at me!" She begged as she dropped to her knees in front of him. He continued shaking his head and crying. "Elliot." She whispers as she puts her hands on his as she slowly slips the gun from his grasp.

She quickly backs away and unloads the weapon before putting it out of their reach. She once again kneels down in front of her husband. He doubles over in his chair as she wraps her arms around him. She takes deep breaths as she holds him against her.

"It isn't your fault, El." She whispers in his ear as he cries into her shoulder. She continues to whisper this until he slowly starts to breathe. She pulls him out of his chair and out of the room.

"I killed her, Liv." He murmurs as she pulls him towards bedroom. His eyes are completely glazed over and he looks to be in a daze, like he is in shock. She sits him down and hands him a water cup he had sitting on the nightstand.

She couldn't believe she just walked in on her husband trying to commit suicide. She had no idea what to do now.

After sitting there in silence for a good period of time, he finally looks up at her. "A child is dead because of me," the tears still falling down his face as he speaks.

She grabs his face to make sure he was looking at her. "Elliot, this is not your fault. Jenna made that choice to shoot today. She killed people today. You did what you needed to do. I wish it didn't play out the way it did, but this is not your fault, baby", she kisses his lips to emphasize what she was trying to say. She just only hoped he was listening.

They talked for a bit longer before Elliot decided he needed to shower. He had calmed down but still did not seem like he was all the way there. She could tell by the look in his eyes that he was replaying the scene that took place today.

After he got into the shower, she went about picking up. She grabbed his weapon and took it to the safe. Tears started to fall as she locked it. All she could think was had she had been ten minutes later, her husband could be dead. On the other hand, if she had not stopped at the bar, maybe this wouldn't have happened. She could have been home before he got to the point of trying to eat his own gun.

Once she got to the office, she noticed something she didn't before. There was a note sitting on the desk. He had written a suicide note. She couldn't even read it. She didn't want to know what it said right now. She took the bourbon bottle and stashed back in the cabinet.

She picked it up the paper and stared at it. Her eyes were blurry and irritated with tears. She wanted to rip it to pieces, throw it away, and never look back. But, she wouldn't. She couldn't. Something would not let her throw away this letter. Quickly, she folded it up and put it into the bottom of her desk. She slid folders over it and slammed the drawer shut.

Shaking off her emotions, she went back to their bedroom while Elliot was getting out of the shower.

Together, and silently, they went through their nightly routine. She returned to their bed where he was laying staring at the ceiling.

She scooted as close as she could and put her arms around him. "I love you, El.". She placed a soft kiss to his chest while he remained silent.

She had no idea how to move on from this. All she knew was that she was terrified.