Uncertain Thoughts.

Beautiful.

I don't know what pretty is and I don't know what beautiful looks like. Our society gives high regard to those things. Beautiful for me are those things that can't be seen but felt like the warm rays of the sun, like the wind blowing through my hair, like those butterflies you get when you're with your significant other. Pretty to me is the flowers that bloom, the sky that changes colours as the sun goes below the horizon.

As a child, most of us, have grown up listening to those stereotypes who believe that beauty lies in the face. Whereas some of have been grown up giving importance to the soul. A few of us have been treated like queens, the ones who have perfect faces wherein the rest are labelled as ugly. I don't know which category I fall in so I like to consider myself okay. Nothing less, nothing more.

There are times when people compliment you, like "hey, you're really very pretty" or "hi, you're beautiful" and you're confused because you don't know what these words mean. What is labelled as beautiful? What is considered to be pretty? I don't know.

Insecurities. they tend to creep up on your sleeves, making you question yourself every second. You stand in front of the mirror and ask yourself "do I look pretty?" and your subconscious replies "you and pretty? Nah, you look average and that's the best you can do" You are you own enemy. Insecurities just don't go away, they're there because someone introduced them to you. Someone made you feel like you're never enough and that you can never be. You tend to find flaws in yourself and hide in the tiny corner of the room over thinking about everything in this world. Insecurities are always present in all of us. We pretend to be perfect for the cameras and our society. That's what we do, we try to fix our flaws instead of embracing them. Flaws are what make us ourselves. Irrespective of everyone being aware of it we're all still pretending. Most of us feel insecure once a while and a few of us feel insecure all the time.

Rejection, loneliness, traumatic experiences, failure, negative beliefs about yourself, these contribute to your insecurities. The kind of childhood we have plays a major role. Some of us have been fortunate enough to grow up in a loving family where they support us and care, where there is no space for doubt and rejection. Some of us, however, have grown up in a family where were always put down, we're always told how worthless and useless we are, how we will never be enough for anyone.

If our own family doesn't treat us right, how will others? That's what's there in the heads of those with insecurities hunting them down. 16 years and I don't know why people have ever called me beautiful or pretty. I don't know what they saw in me or if there's a checklist with all the characteristics a beautiful person should have. Maybe, if I see myself from another pair of eyes I'd know how. 

I don't know what is beautiful in appearance wise, but I am aware that everything you do with good intentions makes your soul beautiful and at the end of the day, isn't that what matters? 

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Ps. I was facing a major block so I wasn't able to write anything but wohoo its all over now, I'll update and write more often. This is a short one, but I hope y'all liked it and you are all doing fine, take care, stay safe <3