A Spider's Web ll Natasha Romanoff

I Can't Love You

Natasha ripped her lips away from mine, a look of shock shadowing her face. Her eyes were wide and she stepped back away from me. One step turned into two and two turned to three before she turned around and ran.

"Natasha!" I screamed at her. She didn't stop. She kept running. Away from me. Tears welled up in my eyes and my lip quivered. I messed up. I ruined everything.

"Natasha! Wait!" I yelled again, desperation seeping through my words. "Please!"

I ran after her, trying my hardest to keep up. This was one of those moments where I was thankful for the super soldier serum running through my veins. It wasn't long before I made it to the hotel and threw the main doors open. I looked around and saw the elevator doors closing with Natasha inside them. I quickly ran to it and right as I reached it, they completely shut on me.

"Damn it!" I cried and hit the doors with my hand. I looked around, blurry eyed for a stairwell. Once I found it, I bolted across the lobby and through the door and began scaling the staircases. I was jumping two steps at a time trying to get to our floor as quick as possible.

It felt like forever when in reality, it was half a minute. Coming up to our floor, I exited the stairwell and ran to our room, quickly swiping the key and opening the door. The door shut behind me as I walked into the room.

She wasn't in here. I made my way to her bedroom door, which was shut, and grabbed the handle attempting to open the door. It was locked.

"Natasha!" I called, my voice wavering. "Please open the door so we can talk. Please!"

The only noise I could hear was my ragged breathing and the thumping of my heart in my chest.

"Natasha, open this door."

No movement was heard from the other side of the door. I shook my head, my hands coming up to grip both sides of my head as my eyes clenched shut. I opened my eyes and threw my hands back to my sides, before I walked back up to the door and raised my foot to it.

Without realizing the strength I was using, I kicked the door in, which caused the wood to splinter and the door to fly into the room, where it hit the opposite wall and fell to the ground. Natasha stood up off the bed, shocked, and watched as I walked into the room.

"Natasha." I said. "Please listen to me."

"You need to get out." She said, her voice lacking any emotion.

"Just listen to what I have to say." I begged.

"Get out." She raised her voice.

"No! Natasha, I like you. I have liked you and this mission made me realize that. I have feelings for you that I have never felt before. My heart races every time I look at you. I get nervous whenever you look at me. Butterflies fill my chest whenever you smile."

I took a pause to view the emotions displayed on her face. She avoided my gaze and looked to the ground, avoiding all eye contact. My chest was hurting and my hands were clammy, but I kept going.

"Natasha, I'm not sorry for kissing you. I've wanted to do that for a while. You make me feel things that I've never felt before. You make me feel safe. I trust you with my life. I've never trusted anyone before. Please. Tell me you feel the same. Tell me how you feel." I begged.

She stayed silent, never once looking up from the ground. My heart was breaking the longer the silence continued. I sniffled, trying to control my emotions and take control back for myself, but I had no control when it came to Natasha. My emotions were spilling out of me like a dam bursting.

I walked up to her and used my hand to lift up her chin so she was finally looking at me. "Please... please say something."

Her eyes scanned my face, taking in my disheveled appearance. She opened her mouth to say something, but quickly closed it, hesitating on saying what she was going to. I begged her with my eyes to say anything.

"I can't love you." She responded.

I dropped my hand from her face and took a step back.

"I can't like you. I could never be with you. We are assassins for christ sake. We aren't supposed to have weaknesses or love anyone." She explained.

"I guess I'm not a very good assassin then." I shrugged, trying to lighten the mood, but I only made it worse. Anger washed over her face.

"I don't like you. You are just another agent to me. We would never work out anyway. You're too childish. You can't be serious for five minutes without saying some stupid joke. All you care about is alcohol and food. You don't even take your job seriously! How am I supposed to like someone like that?" She snapped.

Hurt washed over my face and I blinked the tears from my eyes. Rejection burned through my body and all I wanted was to crawl into my bed and bawl my eyes out. I gulped the saliva that was forming in my mouth and went to open my mouth when she spoke again.

"There. I said something. Happy now?" She asked sarcastically.

I didn't respond to her. I took a shaky breath and turned around, walking out of her bedroom and into my room, where I shut the door and locked it. My back pressed against the door, my body sagging from exhaustion and pain. It wasn't the physical pain that can just heal over time. It was emotional and mental pain. The type of pain that never really fades away.

A sob escaped my mouth and I brought my fist up to it and bit down on the knuckle, trying to suppress the sobs threatening to escape. I finally released the tears that were threatening to blind me and they slid down my cheeks. It started off as a few tears at a time before quickly turning into streams.

I took my shoes off and threw them across the room, before I collapsed onto my bed and crawled under the covers. I brought a pillow to my face to muffle the cries I finally allowed myself to release. My hands clenched the pillow to my face to mask my sobs in a desperate attempt to hold myself together.

I didn't stop crying until I fell asleep.

During my breakdown, I didn't know Natasha collapsed onto her bed after I left, with her head in her hands and elbows propped on her knees. Confusion and guilt racked her body as she tried to process what happened.

Natasha wasn't expecting that night to go the way it did and she never expected me to develop feelings for her. It only made it worse that she returned some of those feelings. Natasha was confused on how she felt, but she knew she felt something for the younger girl.

Natasha lied.

She lied to me, but I didn't know that at the time. She didn't want to admit it to herself that she grew to care for me. She didn't want to run the risk of her enemies finding out and having leverage.

Natasha didn't just break my heart that night. She also broke her own. But it was for the best, right? Only time would tell, but in the meantime, two spirits were crushed with the revelation that they couldn't be with one another - although, they were for different reasons.

One thought the other didn't accept them, while the other didn't want to seem weak and get hurt. But wasn't love worth the risk? Who knows.

I never knew what love was. I've never felt it before. I did know, however, that I felt something for the assassin in the next room. I felt too much. And I knew it was going to get me killed one day.