The Only Hope for Me is You

Chapter 1 : I'm Still Alive

M A X E N E

I WAKE UP feeling my brain is about to burst. Damn hang-over, I grunted. I look beside my bed and noticed that-- wait, where the fuck am I?

I don't remember how I got here. I feel like something happened last night. Oh yeah, I'm supposed to greet death like an old friend but-- I pinch myself and I squint. Damn it hurts! Yep confirmed, I can still feel pain. I'm still alive, but then why? Assessing my situation I don't know how to react, yet why am I only with my underwear? I tried to check if someone took my vulnerability for granted, but nothing hurts especially down there. Malalaman ko rin naman agad iyon, I have a boyfriend. I mean, I had a boyfriend.

I will never forget the day when we started our relationship on February 18 of 2005. I took a leap of faith with him because I know that he's worth it. However he ended it too soon.

Apat na buwan pagkatapos ng birthday ko, nanlamig siya. Nagbago na lang siya isang araw hanggang sa binitawan na niya ang mga salitang iyon: 'hindi na ikaw ang priority ko,' 'ayaw ko na,' at 'napagod na akong mahalin ka.'

Ang sakit, ang sakit sakit dahil hanggang ngayon dala-dala ko pa rin ang sakit na araw-araw kong nararamdaman mag-isa matapos niyang tuldukan ang relasyon namin na nagtagal ng tatlong taon. Three years. Three fucking years! Why did he just throw those three years away like it didn't matter to him? Saan ba ako nagkulang? Naapakan ko ba ang pride niya? Masyado ba akong demanding? Immature ba ako? Pangit ba ako? Ano pa ba ang dapat kong tingnan sa sarili ko para malaman kung bakit kulang pa ako sa kanya? Bakit hindi pa ako sapat sa kanya?

What the fuck, halos lahat na binigay ko para sa kanya; pero kulang pa rin. Ano pa ba ang dapat kong isugal? Kung tutuusin, walang wala ng natira sa akin. Miski buhay ko kaya ko itapon para sa kanya. I embrace myself asking myself what else could I have done to save us. All I knew was he loves me, I love him; wasn't that enough to keep us? Sa tuwing inaalala ko ang lahat, hindi ko mapigilan na hindi umiyak. Pero dahil sa wala ako sa teritoryo ko, isa lang ang dapat kong gawin ngayon bago pa may mangyari sa akin. Checking my surroundings I couldn't find my clothes from last night, where the fuck are my clothes?

I try to open one of the drawers that wasn't mine and upon checking it I'm sure, lalaki ang may ari ng lugar na ito. I guess one shirt would do since I don't have my purse with me. Kainis! Ano ba ang nangyari sa akin at hindi pa ako namatay kagabi? Kung patay na ako edi sana wala na akong iniisip na ganito, lecheng buhay naman talaga ito!

I wore a white shirt and gladly it was long enough to hide my underwear. I might as well sneak out dahil pakiramdam ko wala namang tao rito. Yet I was naive to think that because I heard the door clicking from the other room, who knows what's behind that room. I should hurry, kung sino man ang lalaking ito, malamang nakunan na niya ako ng litrato na naka-underwear lang. Sigurado naman na sapat na iyon bilang pambayad. I'm a model for goodness sake and if ever he uses my pictures for dirty purposes, wala na akong pakialam dahil lagi naman nandyan si mommy para linisin ang kalat ko bago pa man ito pumutok sa media. Kung may pera ka, makokontrol mo ang lahat.

Papalabas na ako ng kwarto nang may pumigil sa pinto. Malaki ang kamay niya, mula sa kamay niya nakita ko ang braso niya na basang-basa. Napalunok ako na mapagtanto ko na kakapaligo niya pa lang. I looked down wanting to hide my face. I couldn't help but stare from bottom to top. He wore nothing but a towel on his waist. His v-line is revealing, I gulped again. Seeing how slender yet broad his chest up to his shoulders makes me wonder if he works out. His collarbone is exposed. I can't say that he is skinny because there are few muscles that are visible in his body. He's somewhere in between what they call macho and payat. His build is almost similar to Ryan Reynolds with a slight Robert Pattinson vibe when they were still in their early twenties. He's not that buff unlike the models I worked with, but his body is like a work of art. I've seen a lot of guys that are topless, especially in my field of work; but I never saw anything like him. I don't know why it took me a while to see his gaze and I couldn't help to notice those tiny droplets of water falling slowly from his hair. His eyes, those dark intimidating brown eyes. That smug-ish impassive look on his face. He looks familiar, I've seen him somewhere. Somewhere in my memory.