Survival [completed]

After-effects

I wake up almost close to screaming. But I stop myself before the sound gets too loud. My whole body is covered in sweat and I am panting. I don't remember the dream but I know it was hot and I was really scared. I was almost close to tears. As I sit up properly my body yells at me from the sore-ness. I am more or less covered in bruises. My wrists have imprints from the belt as bracelets. It's a very baby pink colour. It hurts like hell under water. My stomach as always is a constillations of bruises. My face it seems to be in more pain than the last time. I look around and realise it's still dark. Or early. I look at my bedside clock and it reads 3.47am. Wow. This was early. 

I was too scared to go to sleep and I was too sleep-ed out to sleep anymore. So I decide I shall ice myself to keep the pain at bay. I wanted to go out. I wanted to feel the fresh air. I have been trapped in my room for so long. It was getting a little suffocating. So I exit my room slowly and go to the movie room for ice. I take the ice and begin icing all the parts that I feel the soreness. It burns at first but after a while it begins to numb out. 

After the ice melts, I return to my room and sponge wash myself. My wrists hurt from moving. I was in the toilet but I was facing the wall so that I wouldn't look at the mirror. I was already blocking the pain, hurt and sorror away. I wasn't confronting my emotions yet. I knew the minute I did that and looked at the mirror, I'll never be able to stop myself from crumbling. I couldn't crumble. I had to be strong. But the wall of strength and protection around these dark thoughts was so flimsy and slim it was so easy for them to surface. 

Before I could even stop myself, I was reliving everything that happened. Each blow was like a fresh blow all over again. Only this time with tear and whimpers escaping my mouth. I dropped my towel and turned to look at the mirror. Even through my tears I could vaugly see myself. My right side was half bruised and in an unsightly colour. My chest was pretty much stamped with spots, My ribs looked sore and heavily bruised. My neck had clear marks of fingers. His fingers. I slid down against the wall as the thought of hate and sorrow consumed me and ate at me, savagly. 

Why was it that it had to be me? Why did they hate me so much? What did I do? All I ever wanted was for them to love me like how I loved them. All I wanted was a normal family. Two parents who loved me and all of them were happy. I didn't need much. Just their love and support. 

You're ugly, you're fat, you're stupid, you're weak. What more do you need? They hate you. They always will. You aren't meant to be loved. You're too disgusting and dirty to be loved. You're ugly. Ugly people don't get to be loved. You're a disappointment to them. They deserve better. He's a doctor, the best in town. She's a marketing manager, probably one of the best in her firm. What about you? You're nothing. No friends, no clubs, no teams, no leadership, nothing. Everyone hates you. They are only nice to you cause they have to put up with you. You think Jasper actually loves you? He pities you. That's why. Tristan. Tristan's perfect, he's a footballer, the smart kid, the hot kid. He can have anyone and you think he actually picked you out of all? You saw the girls in the cheerleading squad. You don't even come close to it. You are weak. You have no discipline. Tristan only feels pity for you. he woudn't spend his time on you. Don't expect him to. You don't deserve his time. Never have never will. 

My thoughts cut deep into me and the tears were burning my cheeks. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't let this continue. Not now atleast. I had to find another way out. Now. I looked around and then saw the painkillers, if I took too much, I could get kocked out. But then my father might find out and that would be a bad thing. 

I had to get out of here. I had to walk. Or run. I had to let this out some how. I stood up crying still and chnaged to a sports bra and shorts. I pulled on a thin sweater too and tip-toed out of the house. The night was exceptionaly cold. I took in a breath of air and let it enter my lungs. I loved the smell of fresh air. No pollutants or other smells. Just fresh air. I walked past Tristan's house and saw that it was pitch dark, though at fur in the morning, you couldn't expect anything less. I walked to the park and besdies being a good distraction it didn't do much for me. I had to make myself feel physical pain. I would have just cut myself but I had tried that once but my parents found out and thought I was trying to get attention to myself. So that was moot. As I walked further down to Mr Stone's houses, I saw the walls that surrounded some of the houses. Then an idea flashed to me, I walked up to the wall and raised my fist. I thought of everything that had built in inside me and I let it out in the punch.