I want to write about so many things tonight
I want to write about my fear
And loneliness
And my love
And my lust
I want to bring it all to the light
I need to write it all at once
Because I'm feeling this surge
Of conflicting emotions
I have this urge
To spill them all out
I can't hold it in anymore
I'm so fucking sad
All the fucking time
And I want to be with this guy
But he's got a girlfriend
And she's actually really cool
I'd like to be her friend but
I'm afraid I'd to something
Stupid and mess everything up again
Like take her boyfriend to bed
And maybe she can come too
I'd like to have them both
I bet that sounds selfish to you
Because in my head I'm a walking stereotype
I'm a freak in the sheets
I'm a hunter in the night
Just looking to get laid
By the first person who thinks I'm alright
But I'm not.
Would I feel better if I was?
I'm so lonely
And I long for someone's touch
But how fucking scary is that?
To give yourself to someone?
The first time I wanted to open up
I got scared and tried to slam my doors shut
But he ripped those doors apart
And I gave him enough
To make him stop.
There's this girl I really liked
She had short curly hair
And I thought that she was nice
I wanted to make her mine
So we talked for quite some time
I thought things were going well
But it turns out She had somebody else.
I hate my body.
How can I learn to love it
If it doesn't even feel like mine?
They say you'll eventually become comfortable in your own skin
But when i look in the mirror I don't see
What I imagine
In my mind
And in my dreams
This terror comes directly from my unfamiliar body
So much that I want to tear it all off
Build myself back up the way I see in my head
But for now I leave the lights off when I get changed before bed.
I sometimes wonder if the only way to make myself change
Is to hit reset
And hope I wake up in better days
But god how can I leave
As miserable as I am
How could I leave when I've seen first hand
What it does to people
To lose someone like that
It's a terrible thing
To wonder if you did your best
Would they blame me
Or the marijuana in my desk
That seems like the first thing to blame
It was the drugs they say
My happy child was so good and clean
Before those pills took them from me
But what drove that child to drugs
What drove them so far down
That they couldn't get back up?
Was it neglect?
Mother did you not hear me cry
For you in my sleep?
Why didn't you ask me?
Could you not hear it?
Could you not see it?
Could you not feel it in your bones?
All the things I tried to say,
Countered with 'your fine'
And 'just pray'
So I was left alone.
Alone in the dark
Frozen in my own fear
A shadow of death
Floated far too near
I always end these poems
Promising myself I'll be okay
But I'm still here writing
Waiting for that day.
YOU ARE READING
We All Grow Up
Poetryi started this collection of thoughts and feelings before i had really grown up. legally i'm supposed to be grown up now, but i'm still writing. i think it's going to be a long time before this collection feels complete, and i feel grown up.
