The Bravest Soul

chapter eleven

CHAPTER 11:

[Chapter Song: I'm coming home by Skylar Grey]

Day 31:

The unending beeping sounds of monitor machine wakes me up. I slowly open my eyes and saw the familiar white ceiling, so I'm here again. Funny how I always end up here, at this atmosphere, at this bed, at this room, at this hospital.

Bumangon ako at napalingon sa paligid. Hindi na ako nagulat, napangiti na lamang ako ng kaunti. Katulad ng dati, walang naghintay sa paggising ko.

Bumangon ako dahil balak kong magikot ikot sa ospital, kahit papaano pala ay nakakamiss din dito.

Napatigil ako sa pagbukas ng pinto ng makita si yzien sa labas ng kwarto, kasama nya si Auntie na nakaupo sa bench. Magkausap sila ngunit parehas malayo ang tingin.

"I declined her offer to be my friend, because I thought that would lessen the pain when she leave. What a scam." Napangiti si yzien ng mapait habang si Auntie ay nanatili pa din nakatingin sa malayo.

"I'm just a stranger to her, but I can't deny the fact that she has now a special place to my heart. I mean who wouldn't love her? She is full of positivity despite of the pain she's going through. She smile and laugh like she was the happiest girl on this whole goddamn universe. God knows how much I cried that night, seeing her in pain breaks my heart." Hinawakan ko ang bibig ko para pigilan ang paghikbi ko. Hindi ko alam na dahil sa gusto kong makatulong, ay makakasakit din pala ako sa huli.

"Aviengail was a strong child. Gusto nyang makalaya sa mga bagay na nakapagpasakit sa kanya ng sobra, gusto nyang maranasan yung mga bagay na pinagkait sa kanya. Gustuhin ko man na pigilin sya sa mga bagay na yon, dahil ang magiging kapalit non ay ang pagunti ng araw na makakasama ko sya, pero hindi ko kaya. Gusto ko din syang maging masaya dahil buong buhay na sya nagtiis sa sakit na dala dala nya, kaya sino ba ako para pigilin sya?"

"I want her to stay, I really want. But I realize that I can't be selfish, we can't be selfish. Wishing her to stay is like giving her another pain." Isinara ko ang pinto at pumasok sa banyo ng kwarto para ilabas ang hikbi na kanina ko pa itinatago.

Tumitig ako sa sarili kong repleksyon. I don't have my wigs and my face look pale, I look horrible right now. I'm like a living dead, so how can I survive? How can I still fight if every pieces of me are starting to give up?

God also knows how much I wanted to fight. I'm praying and hoping that someday a miracle would happen, that I'll wake up in the morning with the announcement 'YOU ARE CANCER FREE.' for the past 10 years, iyan lamang ang mga salitang iniintay ko. Actually they did, they did announce that I am a cancer free pero may kasunod pa ang mga salitang yun. 'You are a cancer free, but that doesn't mean that you're totally free because it might be back after 2 years.' and my cancer did, it backs after a month.

That's when I realized that this life is not really for me, this life is not meant for me. I can't fight because I want to choose myself, and myself is aviengail, and aviengail destined to leave this world early.

Inayos ko ang higa ko marinig ko ang pagbukas ng pinto. Kita ko naman ang gulat na mukha ni Auntie nang makita nya akong gising, habang si yzien ay nanatili lamang sa likod nya.

"You're finally awake! May masakit ba sayo? Nagugutom kaba? Kamusta pakiramdam mo?" Sunod sunod na tanong ni Auntie.

I gave her my usual smile "I'm okay, Auntie."

"I'm so worried! Akala ko hindi kan--"

"I want to see daddy." Putol ko sa sasabihin nya.

"Are you sure?" I nodded. "Okay sweetie. I'll cancel my appointments and meetings, lets go to your daddy."