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Axelle | Two bodies One person

Author: darkhorse_army

Reviewer: ItsmeAxelle_

Chapters reviewed: 7

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Hey there! Please do not feel bad about my comments if I have come across as harsh!

First Impressions:

Cover: I personally did not like the cover. Well, the main reason being, its kind of lost! Well, the face overpowers the title layout, I don't really think the colours really match and the cover overall looks really messy!
My strong suggestions would be either go for a really simple one, or you could just pop in a request at a graphic shop!
The cover could be much better😄

Title: Its a good title, really to the point and simple, well titles are never really perfect for any book, so you can always think of something more!

Blurb: Major problem here!
Its just two lines. I know its a short story and you don't have much to actually summarise but there's a lot of things I would like to point out when I come to the actual story review!

Plot:

Alright, so you have a very heart-wrenching plot, your best friend going away. Its a very nice plot, a little common but yes if you can turn it around in your way and make it really unique, the book will get really refined.

Maybe you could make the leads famous singers, maybe they could be secret enemies, maybe they could have like a dark past and at her death, it's all coming together!

Anything to spice up the narrative.

Characters:

Here is the biggest problem.
I don't know who they are.

I mean I know that the person narrating it is you, but I don't the name of your best friend! I don't know the names of her family, her brother, I only know them by her relation!

There is not one single name mentioned, trust me the more you address your characters as pronouns, the more disconnected readers will feel from your book!

You can always think of unique fun names, make them interesting, add personality into them, add more life!!!

The reason I didn't like the characters were that I knew nothing about them, what do they look like, name, age, etc.

Add more colour into your characters and more depth, then the story becomes a complete one!😊

Writing technicalities and grammar:

• There was this issue, which happens which you send writings through the mail.
The starting of every paragraph goes like this:

"As she came near me, I couldn't fathom....."

Well the starting of each paragraph of your book has this huge gap and then the line starts, I am not sure if you have edited it out or its a glitch but unfinished books really don't attract readers!!

• Chapter Length.

Your first chapter was okayish in word count, I preferred it to be a little longer, but the second was painfully short! I mean it was very compact, compressed, you could have added more details, I was really abruptly stopped!

• The whole structure of the book.

The book is unfinished. Seriously.
The chapters were giving no indication of who the characters were, how did the cancer spread, when was all this transpiring, how was the condition of the main guy when he found out.

All the details, the finesse, the extra finishing touches, everything needs to be, unfortunately, done in a proper way!

I can understand the book is a short story but its really short. Its almost like an unfinished diary and you're still writing it.
I really need you to work hard on making this seamless and weave well!!

I suggest the only way to solve this is to read more short stories by still learning authors!

One example of a short story I can give you is of :

The princess and the princess by Bunnybeebooo

Writing Style:

This is my favourite part in your book, your descriptions and ability to make readers feel things is so good!!
I could feel the pain, the withdrawal, the loss, the way you describe things is really commendable!❤
You are really good at tugging the right strings of readers and hitting the right notes.
Good job on that!!😄

Final words:

I really liked your effort and the kind of thought you have put in, however, you need to work hard, believe in your abilities and have faith that this book can work!!!
All the very best!!💎💓

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I am extremely sorry if any of my comments come across as Big-headed or rude, I am just here to help you out!

Here was your review!
Hope you found it helpful!

Signing off,
Axelle.