Anorexia p.jm

1

Jimin's pov

My breath is quick, all i can think of is the music going through me, my body moves and moves non stop, i love dancing, it keeps my mind off things, off the world.

After a long practice on my new solo i sit down, actually lie down on the floor, it's getting harder and harder not the opposite, I know the reason but i don't admit it out loud.

I take a sip of my water that cools down my burning insides, i don't call it just water, this is breakfast, lunch and hopefully dinner if i get back to the dorm late enough that Jin hyoung would have finished dinner and went to sleep with the others.

All but yoongi he stays up compusing songs, he's really talented, i wish i could be like him, but I'm just...me.

I get up again and continue dancing, it's only been two hours since the group left, i still have time to go, even though my legs aren't as steady as ever i have to keep going, damn i hate it when I'm weak.

Panting i get to the showers and take a quick shower avoiding looking at myself, i get dressed as fast as possible and check the time in my phone, it's 10:45 pm, i should probably head back.

Plugging in my headphones I play some songs to accompany me during my walk back to the dorm, I'm a bit light headed, that's why i stopped today, i should get some rest.

Once i get back i quietly enter and make my way to the kitchen, they're asleep as i expected, we have a concert soon so everyone is trying to get as much rest as they possibly can, all except me.

I drink some water that will keep my rumbling stomach busy for the night and head to my room, i change into sweat pants and a t shirt and get under the covers.

I start scrolling through my social media apps, they released a new photo session, the fans seem so excited, but that's not what i see, there are some toxic fans that seem excited to point out every single issue in the picture.

I have fake accounts which i use to keep track of what's happening without upsetting the company, as i keep scrolling i land on the awaited comments finally ' Jimin looks bad here', ' everyone looks happy but Jimin ruins the photo by looking like that' like that, i know what she means
, 'did Jimin put on some weight look at his chubby cheeks they look so squishable kiki' enough!

I get up, get on the floor and start doing set ups, i have to get this better, i can't bring the group down, everyone is working so hard i shouldn't ruin their efforts by being the fat lazy loser i am.

98, 99, 100 I lay flat on the floor, my abs are aching, but it's good, that's how it feels when it's effective, a new pain hits, my growling stomach, ugh stop that doesn't effect me anymore, it's been days since my last proper meal i know, but hunger is good, hunger means i made it one more day without the unneeded calories, i have enough fat in my body to keep me going.

This is actually a thing, it's called water diet, it's my sweet escape when i feel that I'm over weight than my band mates which i am all the time, i tried dieting before but the members would protest, god they'd be mad if they found out what I'm doing.

I check the time, it's 5:30 am already, fuck i should be asleep long ago, we have to be ready at 7, my insomnia is taking new turns, yesterday i fell asleep by 3 am and kept waking up.

It's no use now, i decide to go for a run, it's chill outside but i love the cold, i plug in my earphones and leave the dorm, i noticed Yoongi's room lights were off, he's asleep too, wow i beat Yoongi at staying up.

The cold air is so refreshing makes me forget about my stinging eyes, i take a deep breath and start running. I stopped once i ran a couple of times between the studio and the dorm, it's not that far but a good distance, i see a park neer by and decide to go rest there, lately i don't stop exercising untill I'm dizzy, and that happens a lot due to the lack of sugar in my system.

I go to the swings and push away some snow that's formed on a swing and sit there for a while, Lee Hee's breath starts playing in my ears, i sing along and start thinking of Kim Jonghyun, it's been two years since his departure.

How can someone dare to actually throw themselve into the unknown and take their own life, sure i thought of it before, but i never had the courage to actually do it. He's so brave.

I check the time, it's 6:15 am , i should head back to the dorm, once i stood up my head started swaying so i held the swing to stabilize myself, once i can see clearly, i walk my way back to the dorm.

"Jimin, you were outside?" says Jungkook from the couch " yeah i woke up early and decided to go for a run" i smile at him to hide my tirdness, " you should get ready, we're leaving soon" he says as he looks back at his phone.

I get to my room and take a shower, my eyes stung, this time because of tears, they start flowing down my cheeks and i can't stop it, why am i like this, why should everything be so hard, I'm such an unworthy person, when will all the pain go away?
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