I woke up breathless. Jolted from the warmth of my bed, trying to gather my bearings. Beads of sweat rolled off my chin. Flashes of my nightmare flickered from one part to the next. I'd jump in and out of the present as I needed find ground with reality again. I reached for nightstand for a glass of water which some trailed down the length of my neck as I consumed it like some sort of medicine.
When the simple remedy brought me back to the now, I gently steadied my breath. It was the middle of a calm night. The moonlight delicately beamed through the crystal clear window pane onto the tabletop shining on a photo in the right exposure.
The photo that highlighted the person of my nightmares. The breaker of hearts, the give-me-a-second-chance, the "I'll change for the better".
My ex.
Hwang Yeji, was her name. She had other names among others like love, honey, babe, all the cutesy names for a cute person. Or at least, I thought so at the time.
I wouldn't be able to tell you where it started to go downhill. Things like this no one can predict except when it's too late.
One night I found myself in the kitchen arguing with her for what felt like the nth time that day.
That's when it occurred to me.
We were at the place where all couples desperately wanted to avoid. The breaking point as some say. I stood there in the kitchen, body hot and hands uncontrollably shaking from my overflowing kettle of emotions. I had spent the past few hours arguing with Yeji, over something that at this point don't remember what for. We made ours rounds around the house, each room, each space, to alleviate the tension heavy air we created in each area.
Then I said it.
"I'm not happy anymore."
The once loud and hot room now became quiet and airy.
"You're what?" She asked like she refused to believe I meant what I said, "Is that honestly how you feel?"
The question made me hesitate. Made me question if that was the worse of me talking or how I truly felt. But I knew it in my heart I wasn't happy with this relationship at the moment.
"Yes," I answered trying to hide my uncertainty.
Yeji's mouth fell slightly in response. A brief pause to gather her thoughts then she was ready to fire back.
"If we're being 100% honest here, then I've lost my love for you."
Lost? How could you say that? Saying as if you misplaced it somewhere and couldn't find it again. Love isn't something you just lose one day. Where did you leave it behind? More importantly when did you leave it behind Yeji?
"How long have you felt this way?" I weakly asked holding back a voice crack.
Yeji held her arms keeping herself condensed almost like shield defending against any threat, me. The trust was already gone at this point. "I don't know.. a while?" She answered as if she didn't know, but deep down there must be some estimate.
At a lost for words, I didn't know what to say. I think everything has already been said to know that there was no way we could come back from here. I wanted out. There was no way I could stay in the same room with this stranger in front of me.
"I-I'll just go."
I dropped my stance as I turned my back on Yeji. The way to the exit has never felt so painstakingly long than it did now. With teary-eyed vision, I could barely grip the door handle and pull it until it slam back shut.
Yeji held the door closed. "Ryujin, don't go. It's late."
Hearing my name from those lips wasn't something I was used to. All this time I've been called with cute nicknames and to hear my name from her stung. Last time I remember her calling my name was before we were together. So I guess this is really is it..
"Just don't Yeji." I sent a stern agitated look her way.
Her expression changed when she heard her name and I knew she felt the same way I did. Though neither of us was going to set aside our pride in this argument this time. We put in so much effort for it to be just slid under the rug.
"Maybe your 'love' or 'babe' would have stayed, but not me." I followed up, before attempting to open the door again.
"Love, please. Don't go out. Not now." Yeji surprisingly relented and held Ryujin somewhat loosely.
"So when? Does tomorrow morning work for you?" I passively replied.
"That's not what I meant. Come on, we can fix this."
"How?"
I didn't expect her to have the right answer. As I studied her eyes for any glimmer of hope that she would change.. I couldn't find any.. and neither could she. She didn't have answer or any sort of reply. Her body loosened, knowing full well that this was the breaking point.
She still held onto me. This was the last test of hope. Whether or not she would let me go. I didn't want to go, I don't think anyone wants their love to end like this. All she would need to do is pull me in tighter. That's all it would take to know that you still love me. That's all I need--
Yeji released her arms and took a step back. She shamefully kept her gaze toward the ground. I wanted to ask why, but I knew that question wouldn't get the answer it deserved. I hesitated, for who knows why, before stepping out with my eyes a teary mess.
The person I left at the doorway wasn't the person that made me happy anymore and I wasn't the person they loved anymore either.
Maybe things would have been different if we said more "I love you"s than "How could you"s.
Maybe things would have changed for the better if we actually listened to each other.
Maybe things wouldn't have ended like this if we never gave up.
But none of that matters now that I'm gone.
︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵
First time writing in first person. Not too sure if I like it, but if you did let me know what you think! ♥️
Also first time ryeji here as well!
