The Sound of Summer

14. You're Just Infatuated

I'm miserable the entire car ride home. Not only did Dom go off with that girl, I'm pretty sure the whole of Brooklyn heard me make a fool of myself in front of him. I don't even know who I'm angrier with. Him, or myself.

That's a lie. I fucking hate myself right now.

Don't think because I pitied you for a few hours the other day that you know me.

Ouch. I mean seriously how much more hurtful could he have been. He might as well have tossed my feelings into a dumpster some place.

"You okay, pet?" Claire asks me as we go up the elevator to my apartment. I didn't realize how quiet i was being until she broke my train of thought. I wrap my arms around her shoulders and slump down into her arms.

"Fuck, I'm such an idiot Claire," I mutter into her chest, feeling comforted by the feel of her boobs on my face. She wraps her arms around me tightly and helps bring me in to the apartment. As if on cue, Sifiso tells us he's heading into his room. Even though he sits in on a lot of our girl-talks, I can tell he's really not in the mood for it today.

"You're not an idiot. You're just infatuated," she says gently, as she gently pushes me so I flop down on my bed. I take a deep breath, thinking I'm going to defend myself, but the look on her face defeats me. I sink deeper into the bed, devastated by the realization.

"I don't even know how it happened. He just talks the way he does, and calls me cariño. He's funny and so generous and flirty and so fucking sexy and is just every I wish I had." I grab a pillow from above my head, and scream into it. I feel better, but not by much.

"Well, there's your problem. You don't know whether you like him for who he is, or because he's everything Dre isn't." She says it so bluntly that my heart flinches at her words. Fuck, can I get a break from all these reality checks please!

"Is there really a difference between those things?" I whine when I say, knowing the answer already. Claire joins me on my bed and wraps an arm around me.

"Oh my sweet little hot mess. Of course there's a difference. One means you're judging him fairly and taking him as he comes, and the other means you're comparing him unfairly... to Dre of all people." The realization settles in my mind, and I start to feel frantic. That is what I've been doing isn't it? I've been trying to fill the Dre-shaped hole in me with Dominic instead of giving him a new space, just for him.

"Fuck. I should call Dom. I don't want to leave things off like we did." I start to reach for my phone, but Claire stops me.

"Give him some time to cool off and you can talk again at practice on Monday. Besides, I think you need to figure out your feelings and what you want from him because clearly your head's fucked." She makes a good point, but I don't want to wait that long. I don't know if I can honestly.

"Is it too late to be fuck buddies?" I look at her with hopeful eyes, and a slight pout.

"Well, you pretty much bit his head off today for going to a party with another girl even though you guys have barely even held hands so... you tell me." I groan into the pillow again. Gosh, I forgot how messy having feelings in these early stages is. I knew what to expect with Dre, because we were passed the point of playing guessing games. Now, It feels like I'm back in middle-school, peering at my crush from behind the lockers or a notebook or a friend's shoulder. It feels so new and raw.

"FUCK! God why couldn't I just belong to the streets? This feelings bullshit sucks." Claire chuckles in response, and the sound lifts my spirits a bit.

"Oh darling, you don't choose the streets, the streets choose you," she says, and casually flips her hair back. I hit her lightly with the pillow for being annoying and she just laughs in response. There's a long moment of silence before I speak again.