The Sound of Summer

21. A Mistake

I wake up at 12pm feeling like absolute shit. My eyes are swollen and puffy from crying all night. I haven't told anyone other than Dom about the wedding invitation, and it's weighing heavy on me. Before my mom came home, I slid it underneath my mattress and it's been wasting away there since. I feel like the princess and the pea, except I'm not a princess, and a pea doesn't compare to the sheer hurt and devastation I'm feeling. 

I realized as I was crying in the shower last night that the hurt wasn't just because of my dad. It was because of Dom to. I keep replaying yesterday over and over again, how good things started off, the hickeys, the bullshit excuse he gave me, but worst of all the way I so easily crawled back into his arms despite how uncomfortable I was. Now he thinks everything is okay. He's been texting and calling all morning, but I can't find it in myself to answer him.

I don't have the capacity to deal with my dad's shit and Dom's shit at the same time. So one of them has got to give. My dad tried to call me this morning as well, and when I didn't answer he sent a short message saying he was calling to check up on me. I haven't responded. I keep typing and deleting my message to him because where do I start?

He's done nothing but send short messages to remind us he's alive and check if we are too. There's been no explanation, no apology and in fact it seems like he just wants us to keep moving forward like nothing happened.

I shove the feelings down as deep as a I can. I'll deal with them when I have the strength too, when the weight of this invitation and my feelings for Dom stop crushing me. Instead of wallowing in my misery, I decide to spend the day cleaning up my room. If I can't sort through my emotional life, at the very least my space can be clean.

I start with my clothes, digging through all the things I do and don't want anymore. There's clothes here that I've had since middle school and clothes that I bought but never wear. I pack them neatly in piles to give away or to offer Claire.

I find myself looking at Dre's clothes, the section of my closet that I carved out just for him. My heart twinges when I look at the hoodies, sweatpants, even pairs of underwear. Yet, I find myself smiling despite it all. There's so much history in these clothes, so much time that we spent together. The gift store t-shirt from our date at the aquarium, his dad's UCLA hoodie. It was Dre's favorite thing to wear. He never threw it away no matter how bad things with his dad were. I'm smelling it, taking in his scent before I even realize it. I fold it and put it in the pile before sifting through his other stuff. Some of these he gave me to keep, but I can't. They make me too sad. 

I wonder how he's doing. Maybe today's a good to talk to him, and I can give him all these back. I pack all of his thing neatly and then grab my phone. The last time we messaged each other was on his birthday two months ago. I'm filled with nerves as I start to type.

Me: Hey:) I know it's been a while. I hope you're good. I'm cleaning out my closet I thought maybe you'd like your stuff back. 

I hit send and anxiety fills me up to the brim. 

God, maybe that was a bad idea. But, I can't avoid him any longer and maybe talking to him, tying things off with a nice little bow will help me heal.

 I'm surprised when he responds less than 5 minutes later. 

Andre: Hi:) I'll come get them in an hour.

Me: cool:)

I don't feel as anxious to see him as I should be. With everything that's going on, seeing Dre strangely seems like the most normal thing in the world. It doesn't make sense to me why someone who was with me for so long, who knew me inside and out should suddenly become a stranger just because all that stuff ended. Even if it was bad towards the end, we weren't always like that.