The Sound of Summer

22. Numb

The moment the door closes behind Andre, I'm completely numb. My mind wanders as I make my way back to my room, lie down on my bed, and stare blankly at the wall in front of me. I can still feel his hands on my body, the echo of a touch I once longed for. I don't know what I expected. I wanted so badly to believe that we could see each other and find our way towards friendship, but I think part of me knew that things would happen the way they did. It makes me angry and sick to my stomach that that same small part of me wanted it to. Being with him, reminiscing, it reminded of when things were much simpler, but just as quickly we were back at square one. We were trying to fill up the empty space with sex, and now I'm even lonlier than I was before.

The numbness turns to anger. I'm so angry at myself, at Andre. I was finally starting to move on, to heal from the break up and it didn't even take an hour to undo over 2 months worth of growth. I shouldn't have spoken to him like that, I shouldn't have been so heartless when he was trying to reach out to me. But, he just wasn't listening. I told him so many times that it wasn't what I wanted, and yet he kept pushing, kept pressuring me to give in to him. and I did. Just like I did yesterday with Dom.

Oh god. Dom. What am I going to tell him? Where do I even begin?

The guilt makes my throat tighten and my stomach turn. See to your needs he said, but not like this. Never like this. I know I have to tell him. I'm going to, but part of keeps thinking about what that might mean. He said he only hooked up with people when he was upset, that there were no feelings attached. I guess he would've wanted me to do the same, purely transactional, but today with Dre wasn't transactional. I feel emptier than I've ever felt and just as quickly the anger gives way to sadness. I don't realize I'm crying until my vision blurs with tears.

I reach over to my desk and grab my phone. There are 7 missed calls and several texts from Dom, and that does little to ease my heartache. I can't talk to him right now. I don't want to, I realize. I'm mad at him, I blame him a bit too for what happened today. All I wanted was honesty and commitment, and now all I have is this chasmic hollowness in me that nothing and no one can fill up.

Dom: buenos dias nena [good morning baby girl]. you're probably asleep but call me when you're up pleaseeee

Dom: I'm boarding now. just text to let me know you're okay

Dom: just landed. i miss you already. DC is weird. Blink twice if you're okay

Dom: what's wrong? :(

Dom: you aren't answering:( call me when you can I'm slowly forgetting the sound of your voice

Dom: are you mad at me?

Dom: if you need me I'll head home right now

Dom: call me back please

It warms my heart that he's so concerned about me, but not enough to ease my sadness. I can't face him. I'm too embarrased. I decide to text him back

Me: Hey. I'm sorry I didn't have my phone. I'll call you after dinner around 9pm.

He doesn't even take a minute to respond back to me.

Dom: sounds good:)

I decide to turn my phone off then, and shut my eyes. The tears come all at once, and I finding myself burying my face into my pillow. It quiets the sound of my weeping, and I silently wish it could drown the hurt out too. I don't know when the exhaustion takes over my body, but before I know it I'm fast asleep.

"I have arrived! Please, hold your applause," Claire bellows as she enters my room. Or rather, I think that's what she says. I rub my eyes as they slowly flutter open, and I can already feel that their swollen from crying.