The Sound of Summer

9. When Are You Not Sorry?

"I kissed AJ." I'm not sure why I say it. Why I don't explain how it happened and that it meant absolutely nothing to me. Maybe because I want him to be angry with me. His face is blank at first, still trying to filter through all the information. And then all at once, the truth hits him and his faces contorts. He's hurt, he's angry, he's devastated.

"You kissed him." he says calmly, though I know its a false calm. I try to maintain my stance but already feel myself melting at his expression. I fucked up colossally.

"It wasn't on purpose. It didn't mean anything to me, or him for that matter, but it happened." I wanted to hurt him earlier when I said it, but the anxiety catches up with me. I don't want to lose him this way. He paces for a bit and slowly sinks to the floor, his head in his hands and his back leaning against my door.

"Are you gonna say something?" The words come out angrier than I want them to. Please say something. I don't want to lose you. I'm filled with so many emotions, but mostly I'm exhausted.

"What do you want me to say? You kissed the one person in the world you knew would fuck me up. Do I owe you a reaction? What, do you want me to thank you? To fucking cry?" His voice cracks at the end of his sentence and it breaks something in me. Fuck, I really fucked up here.

"I'm sorry" I say weakly. The sound comes out as barely a whisper. He scoffs in response and stands up again.

"Sure you are," he says, and it tears right through me. This is exactly what he came to my place to hear, exactly what he wants to believe I'm capable of and I just proved it to him.

"I was so fucking wasted. I didn't know what I was doing. I was just giving him a hug and the next thing I knew we were kissing. It didn't mean anything to me, I promise you Andre." I don't know why I'm pleading, when I should be the one that's pissed off. He was going to hit me last night.

"Fucking bullshit you've always had a soft spot for AJ! You saw an opportunity and you took it. Jesus, Lungi you couldn't wait 5 fucking minutes before jumping on someone else's dick!" The hurt turns into anger faster than I can keep track of. Is he being serious right now? I'm so taken a back, all I can do is scoff in return.

"You did it to spite me didn't you?" He looks at me then, with pure rage in his eyes. I stay a safe distance away from him in case something goes wrong.

I can't believe he would even ask me that.

"Of course I didn't! It could've been anyone else, Dre. For fucks sake, I kissed Claire too. I was fucking wasted and I made a mistake!" I try to defend myself, but I see he doesn't want to listen.

"Bullshit! Stop, lying to me." Dré is always like this, wanting me to say what he wants to hear and never what's actually the truth. If he wants me to be a bitch so much, then I'll give to him, and I won't hold back.

"You really want me to say I kissed AJ to spite you? Maybe I fucking did! You told me, in front of everyone, that you weren't sure whether we should be together. How the fuck do you think that made me feel Andre?" He softens is face a bit and takes a step back, obviously recognizing that I made a fair point. He shakes his head after a while and responds.

"I was angry and drunk and I said something stupid. It's not the same fucking thing," he says it like he means every word. What a fucking hypocrite.

Something snaps in me then and all of a sudden I don't care about losing him, or whether or not I'm hurting his feelings. I'm so tired of fighting, so tired of holding my breath and walking on eggshells with him. I'm almost blinded by the rage.

"Well I was angry and drunk and did something stupid! So you can fuck up countlessly and I have to forgive you, but I make one fucking mistake and you can't do the same? I have done nothing but fucking love you and sacrifice for you for almost four fucking years Andre! You threw it back in my face yesterday and you didn't give a shit about how it would make me feel. You're selfish and miserable and you have no idea what to do about it so you take it out on me," I can see how much my words are getting to him, so I decide to keep pushing.