The Sound of Summer

18. Let Me Try

It's been a week since Claire and I have spoken, the longest silent treatment in the history of our friendship. I can't stand it. It feels like I'm missing a part of myself. There are moments, they don't last longer than 5 seconds, when I forget. I'll see something I know she'd love, a piece of art, a meme, a video of someone falling, and then I find myself staring at her name on my phone. Then, I see the 25+ unread messages and everything comes back to me. I don't even know where to start so she can forgive me, so I click away from the chat and throw my phone on my bed.

Sifiso is frying something in the kitchen when I walk in. We've been talking a bit since the whole situation, but I can tell that it upsets him so I try to stay out of his way as much as I can. I can't escape him today, because he turns to face me. He offers me a smile that doesn't reach his eyes.

"Morning. You want some eggs?" he asks me and I'm grateful for the kind gesture.

"Yes please," I say as I take a seat behind the kitchen counter. I don't know what to do with my hands, so I fidget with them in my lap. He halves the eggs he made and slides me a plate before sitting across from me. The silence hangs heavily over us, and I'm relieved when he breaks it.

"Are you okay?" he asks me, and the question catches me by surprise. I can't believe he's even asking me this, when he's the one who's been skipping meals, barely sleeping and crying himself to sleep. Even now, his under eyes are bruised with exhaustion, but at least he's eating so that's a good sign.

"Yeah. Are you?" He half-heartedly nods his head, and stares down solemnly at his food. my heart breaks at the sight of him. I reach my hand out and put it on top of his.

"Sifiso. I know that part of you hates me right now, but just pretend for a second that I'm not an asshole. Pretend I'm someone you trust enough to be open with right now.  You've spent your entire life taking care of me. Let me try to do the same." The veil of strength shatters and his hurt comes pouring out of him. He lets out one shaky breath before the tears follow.

I stand up from my seat and move next to him, wrapping him tightly in my arms. He pulls away not long after, reigning his emotions back in, and then wipes his tears away with his shirt.

"I miss her with everything in me. I wake up everyday feeling so fucking empty inside and all I want is to see her smile or furrow her eyebrows at me, or cuss me out for not taking care of myself. It would've been better if she was angry because then I'd know what to do. But it's the silence, its her literally removing herself from anything that has to do with me that just tears me apart," his voice is surprisingly calm despite what he's saying. I know exactly what he means. Anger, even pure hatred is easy to deal with because we know what it looks like. I would rather Claire call me every name in the book, cuss me out in every language then for her to just... stop. I had no idea she was doing the same with Sifiso.

It's all my fault. I don't have anything to say to him immediately. I don't even want to offer him a sorry because there is literally no amount of sorry that can make up for the hollowness he feels. I think he senses it, because he clears his throat quickly and moves away from me.

"Sorry it unfair of me to talk to you about this stuff,"

"No. It's not. I'm the one that's been unfair. I've been selfish, and so blind to your feelings and your needs and I need you to know that I'm not going to be that way anymore. I'm going to fix this," I offer him instead. He smiles lightly and I know that out conversation is over. He starts to walk towards his room.

"The band and new drummer are coming in today. You gonna join us?" Sifiso was able to find a replacement pretty quickly. I guess I'll have to meet him another day.