Leather Jacket Girl (girlxgirl)

Chapter Fifty-One

After my conversation with Lois was over, I returned to my home and walked up the stairs to my room. This was so I could prepare myself for Courtney's arrival. I knew that it wasn't exactly as though we were going on a date (I wished that was the case) but that didn't change the fact that I wanted to look good for her. I hadn't seen her in a week! This was a big deal. Besides, even though I hadn't seen Courtney for some time, it didn't change the fact that my feelings for her were still as strong as ever. I had a little shred of concern that I wouldn't be able to fix things, in all honesty. All I really could do was be kind and patient with Courtney, the way that I had tried to be from the start. 

My phone began to buzz with a call from Courtney and so I swiftly picked it up. 

"Hey Phoebe. I'm outside," she told me. 

I suddenly felt my heart stop. I swiftly pulled the brush through my disheveled brown hair and hoped that it didn't look as though I had been anxiously motioning my fingers through it for the past half an hour. 

"I'll be there in a second," I said. 

"Alright, Clarke, don't leave me waiting," she said, with a playful tone of voice. 

"Never," I said, as I grabbed my jacket and made my way downstairs and out of the front door. 

Once I caught Courtney's gaze, the two of us simultaneously ended our phone calls. 

If there was one thing I knew that I could always rely on Courtney for, then it was this feeling of butterflies that I had within my stomach. 

"Hi," I said. 

"Hey Phoebs," Courtney replied, with this gentle smile on one side of her face. She swiftly made her lips form into a straight line again and I simply sighed. 

I had missed her smile but I fully understood why she didn't want to smile at me at present. 

"I'm kind of set in what I want to do," Courtney told me, as the two of us began to walk down the pavement away from my house. 

"Which is?" I asked her. 

"I don't think that things can just...be normal between the two of us. I have a lot of crap I'm working out with my dad and you evidently still have feelings for Em-" 

"No," I said. 

Courtney arched an eyebrow at me. 

I knew that my heart was racing but I wasn't about to let that stop me from sticking up for myself. 

"I loved Emmy...I still do but it's not like that, Courtney. She's my best friend and I respect her relationship with Lois far too much to do anything to impose upon it. I don't know why I would want to do anything to impose upon it, anyway. It's not as though I have feelings for her anymore. I like you," I said. 

"And how long is it going to be until you decide to move onto the next person?" Courtney asked me. 

I felt my eyebrows furrow together in partial hurt, then. 

"There is no 'next person', Courtney. I wanted you," I told her, as we stopped walking. 

Well, Courtney stopped walking initially and I followed in her footsteps. 

"Wanted?" Courtney asked, with a scoff, "You want a medium fries from McDonald's, Phoebe. I'm not someone that you can just pick up and throw away again whenever you want." 

"That was never my intention, Courtney. Listen to me, here, alright? I...I've shown you nothing but my kindness. I've tried to show you my generosity, too. I know you're hurting and believe me I never wanted to do anything to make that worse but-" 

"But you're the only person who can, Phoebe, don't you get that? You were everything to me. You still are," Courtney whispered, as she looked away from me. It was as though she was ashamed to admit the truth. As though she didn't want to talk to me about her feelings. I had never wanted anything more, though. "It doesn't matter, though," she said, with an unemotional tone, as she continued to walk on. 

"Yes it does, Courtney! It's time I started growing the hell up and faced how I feel but it's time you did that, too. I really, really, like you. However, first and foremost, I am your friend. If I knew that all of this was going to completely destroy what we had at first, then I would have never acted on my feelings. Maybe I really am as naive as everyone says that I am. I may be small but I am not insignificant and I won't just let you walk away. I matter and I know that I matter to you, even if you're trying to act all above everything, you know how you feel, Courtney. I won't be made to feel as though I'm unimportant, especially not when...you're important to me. You matter!" I said, as I felt a warmth grow in my chest. 

Something flickered in Courtney's eyes for a moment, then, but it was only temporary. I think it was probably the fleeting glimmer of hope. 

"This is done," Courtney said, as she motioned a hand between the two of us. 

I felt my eyes sting then and I silently scolded myself for being so soft. 

"No," I said. 

"Yes. What are you going to do, Phoebe? Drag me back into this whole mess? I'm done. You don't need someone like me, so it's probably best I just stay out of your way," she told me, as she adjusted the collar on that leather jacket I had grown to memorise in its entirety. I supposed while I had been doing that, I should have memorised the fact that Courtney was such a difficult person to deal with. She was being so unreasonable and I wasn't sure what I could say to make  any of this remotely better.