implausible - woosan

chapter thirty four

back when we were changing
for the better
wanting was enough
for me, it was enough
to live for the hope of it all

wooyoung san

30.08.17

he climbs the looming metaphorical mountain apprehensively, each step nearing its apex deepening the sickness brimming in the depths of his stomach. a hard blink and the repeated motion of clenching and unclenching his fists help san see what he's actually facing; the anxiety he is feeling is turning the simple steps and institution into something they are not.

it's barely been a week since the excursion to jeju island, and san's mind is plagued with the memories every moment since. so much so that he knows he has to see dr. suh, whether his old therapist ends up being helpful or not.

his nightmares frequent him now, and there's no wooyoung to pull him out. the nights are a terrible torture of waking in a cold sweat without really remembering why. waking from each only throws him into another painfully lonely reality, though. because wooyoung isn't there anymore- what it's like to be held by him are fragments of shattered memoranda he can only grasp for in the dark.

and it's highly unlikely he'll ever be held by wooyoung again. or anyone, for that matter. san truthfully has absolutely no inclination to let anyone hold him except for the boy he can never have. can never have - all because the universe says so. because of fate.

digging into the mute cavern of his mind, san finds the recount of what had happened the day they left jeju. wooyoung's words and the way his face had betrayed no joy are recorded on a tape san has locked away with his most painful memories, a tape he replays every day.

"have you been avoiding me?" san had asked, half jokingly. they are alone for the first time since hongjoong had walked in on them.

"n-no." wooyoung had stuttered, his uncomfortable demeanor concerning the older. "i- i need to tell you something."

innocently, san takes his words lightly, his eyes sparking. "tell me what? why you've barely spoken two words to me since the other morning? because if you ask me, your boyfriend overreacted." referring to hongjoong like that leaves his mouth bitter.

"u-um, i guess?" wooyoung stammers, desperately clawing for the right words, trying to force himself to speak them. "he's not- he's not just my boyfriend, san. i'm hongjoong's soulmate."

san blinks. his first thought is that this is some kind of awful joke, but the crushing weight on his heart tells him it is not. he feels sick, aware of a painful flare in his left forearm. something breaks in him, then. but still, he has to try.

"oh." he manages, to which wooyoung's head snaps up. the blonde is looking at him in confusion, as if he's expected more of a reaction. if he could see, he would've noticed san quivering. he might have seen the truth earlier. another cruel joke from the universe.

"wooyoung," san pleads with a breath, unable to accept the fact he has no chance. no chance of redemption, no chance of happiness. which he doesn't deserve anyway, that much is clear. "are you sure?"

"why would he lie to me?" san flinches at the defensive tone he is faced with. part of him screams 'well, because he's a pathological lying bitch!', the words thrashing inside. but he keeps them in. there is no reason for wooyoung to believe him over hongjoong.