implausible - woosan

chapter thirty five

(CW: mild descriptions of a panic attack, encounter with a past abuser)

i saw you dancing in a crowded room
you look so happy when i'm
not with you

wooyoung san

01.09.17

the taunting figure in his nightmares and the shadow haunting his dreams has a name; it's park junhee. a boy, now man, who san had once thought himself to be in love with.

he had been wrong, of course, as he often is - after all, what did a naïve fourteen year old vying for attention know about love? all he had with junhee was a delusion of ignorance, a trap he'd found himself unable to escape. the web of insidious dissimulations had led a younger, more gullible san to believe those deceptions he then called love.

eventually, junhee had ripped it all apart, and san too. destroyed what pieces of san he had rebuilt after san shattered the first time, he lost everything again. san still likes to think they had been in love, because maybe that's just easier. easier to think that junhee had actually loved him, even a tiny bit.

and now he's back. after almost four years of no contact or explanation, junhee had called him. all san knows is that he loved him once (or was it the idea of him?), and junhee had pulled him out of a dark place (it was short lived— he put you back in a worse one). the nagging voice in his head reminds san he had become the dark place. just thinking of him causes a prickly feeling to creep through him, uneasiness making him unsteady.

pulling at his shirt, san swallows anxiously. it's difficult to remember that he isn't fourteen and helpless anymore. that he isn't locked in his bathroom, staring at his terrible reflection like a drunk corpse reminding him startlingly of his mother. he wants to tell himself that junhee has no power over him anymore. but part of him knows that's wishful thinking.

laying on his back staring at the ceiling, san realizes he hasn't moved for quite some time. he feels heavy, unwilling to carry out even basic tasks. he's been staring so long, the uneven light and hazy shadowing has begun to form shapes and faces, little designs bouncing around in his vision.

dragging himself out of bed sluggishly, san decides to call seonghwa. whether or not he tells his friend about junhee does not matter- he just doesn't want to be alone. being alone with himself isn't good right now; he knows that much. he can't be.

san eyes his phone where it sits patiently on the bed side table, hating the fact even this colloquial object reminds him of junhee. shaking himself out of it, he grabs the phone in annoyance with himself. this is getting out of hand.

it only takes a few rings before seonghwa answers, and san is surprised at how relieved he is to just hear the older's voice.

"what's up?" he asks, and san hears background commotion and incoherent chattering.

"uh-" he clears his throat, trying to sound less choked up. "are you busy?"

"nope," is the reply, and san silently sends thanks to up above. "just hanging out with yeosang and the guys."

shutting his eyes momentarily, san takes a breath, hating the feebleness in his voice. "do you, uh- do you mind if i join you?"

the split second of hesitation slices through san's soul. "no... but wooyoung's here too, san."

"oh." he answers, the discovery actually putting him off slightly. "that's okay, hwa. i just want to see you guys."

seonghwa hums in acknowledgment, saying something offhand that san can't make out, probably to yeosang. "are you sure you'll be okay? jeju was a mess, san. for both of you."