I rush to the bathroom and slam the door behind me. Shaking like a tree in a hurricane, my hands fumble while they attempt to lock it. I ripped a piece of toilet paper and used it to wipe the burning tears that rolled down my face in a never ending stream. My stomach pirouetted in circles, and soon became too much. I retched and retched, trying to rid myself of the fear crawling inside of me. I leaned my empty body against the wall, curled my knees to my chest, and sobbed big ugly sobs.
Thank God no one's in here, I thought. I wouldn't have been able to bear it.
I have anxiety attacks often, but none as brutal as this one. Will wanted to take me out somewhere. He's the one whose been helping me cope with my worsening anxiety, which is why he's my one and only friend. He thought a little party might be good for me, and, being a person who just can't say no, I agreed. As it turned out, more than half the school was at this "little" party. Upon seeing the crowd, I felt dizziness start to take me. But when Will asked if I wanted to leave, I said no.
I did better than usual, going around with Will and conversing with his other friends. The dizziness faded, boosting my confidence. I would be okay.
After an hour and a half, everything started to go crazy. The music was amped up, people were shouting and dancing. Their body heat, suffocating. My breath started to speed up, and I knew I had to get out of there. So that's how I ended up here, in the bathroom at a party, sobbing and retching and feeling disappointed with myself.
Suddenly, a knock sounded on the bathroom door.
"Someone's in here," I croaked, my throat scratchy.
"Sash? Are you okay?" Will.
I wiped my runny nose with another piece of toilet paper and stood up, unlocking the door.
Will immediately walked in, closing and locking the door behind him. He looked me up and down, his light brown eyes full of concern.
"Sasha,"
"I'm fine," I interrupted. I knew it was a lie, and as soon as I said it I broke into another fit if crying. Will pulled me tight to his chest.
"Sash, it's okay. We can leave right now if you want." He whispered softly.
I shook my head. "No, Will. I can't... Can't let them see me like this. If I leave early, they... They-"
Will pulled me tighter. "Who cares what the hell they think? It's none of their concern. Plus, I think fifty percent of those jerks are too drunk to notice if two people slip out."
I let out a choked laugh and pulled Will closer. We stayed like that until my breathing slowed and tears no longer formed in my eyes. "Ready?" Will asked, pulling away from me.
I nodded. I'd had enough of this freaking party. Will smiled and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. I leaned into him, wrapping my arm around his waist.
----
Will was right, it was crazy out there. The whole place smelled like alcohol and smoke. Gross.
"Okay," Will said, scanning the area. "let's try that door over there."
I nodded. We weaved through the crowd with only minor difficulty and made it to the door.
Will ushered me outside. No one was out there besides a few couples, too obsessed with each other to notice us.
"Some party." I said under my breath.
Will laughed as we walked down the sidewalk to his car. "Yeah, some party."
I looked up at him. "I swear to God, if you're drunk-"
He put his hands up innocently. "And I swear to God that I'm not. I don't drink. It's just not something I'm into."
I shook my head and rolled my eyes playfully. "Okay, Will."
"Okay, Sasha." He said, mockingly.
After we found his car and started on our way to my house, he brought up the dreaded subject
"Sash, I'm so sorry I dragged you in there."
I groaned, but he persisted. "No, seriously. I knew right when we got there that something was up, and I was selfish enough to make you suffer through it." His eyebrows came together in a deep frown of disappointment.
"Will, chill out okay? I'm fine-"
"You were most certainly NOT fine Sasha! You don't know how much it scares me when you have your attacks. I feel like one day it's just going to be too much and-"
I hit him on the arm. "Will, I'm not going to hurt myself! I happen to like myself and plan on sticking around. I just get really overwhelmed is all."
Will took a really deep breath. When he spoke, his voice wasn't as loud as before. "Okay Sash, I'm just worried about you"
"You don't have to worry about me, Will."
He let out a short laugh. "It's my job as your best friend to worry about you. Eventually we'll get rid of your anxiety. We just need to start off smaller." He took another deep breath. "I thought that since you hadn't had an attack in while that maybe you could handle a party. I wasn't totally wrong, but then, I wasn't totally right either," I laughed gently. "But I know that you can do it, get rid of it and be happy again."
"I am happy."
"Then imagine how happy you'd be if you didn't have anxiety." We laughed, and in that moment I appreciated Will more than I ever had. He was the only one who understood me.
The only friend who was there for me.
