The Not-So-Secret Lovers Of Chicago

11) Almost Rock Bottom

Sarah POV 

I had gone back to my old ways. I didn't care for any progress I had made and regressed right back into my shell. I fell back into cutting, drinking, reduced eating and everything else. I picked up extra shifts so that I wouldn't be left with the silence of my own home. How I was still walking is beyond me. When I was forced to have time off I stayed home listening to trash TV and feeding my bad habits. I hadn't cleaned my house in a while, the beer bottles and alcohol of all kinds were all overflowing a box in the corner of the room. I stayed pretty clean though, I felt so dirty that I wanted to sit in the shower and scrub my skin raw.
All in all it looked fairly similar to my second childhood apartment. You could get drunk off of the smell, there were bloodstains on the carpet, up the walls and even on some of the furniture, there was next to no food in the house as I hadn't a use for it. I had very few possessions so it looked like the place was abandoned. The guest room looked nice compared to the rest of the house although it also lacked bedclothes and a lot of things really. I kept most of my stuff In my room, my room consisting of a bed without bedclothes and 1 cabinet. That coupled with an old tv, a crappy sofa and some rickety table and chairs In the kitchen with the barely working fridge and microwave oven was my house. The most expensive things i owned were my work clothes and my amazing drawing tablet.
In terms of company Voight, Erin and Jay have yet to contact me. I don't know if they are just giving me space or simply don't care, but with my luck it's probably the latter. Noah hasn't called me in 3 months. Will came over once in a futile attempt to get me to do something, anything at all. I probably scared him off with how awful my house looked. My cat, Merlin didn't seem to be too disturbed by It all though. I think the most productive I have been is when I take care of him (food, water, cleaning). But the black Maine Coon didn't seem to care about much besides food and his play tower. I think the only reason the place isn't infested with rats is because of him. You wouldn't know just by looking at me how I'm living. I hid it all rather well at work. But since the incident with Dr Choi the teasing only got worse. My car got keyed repeatedly though you couldn't actually tell from how banged up it is. I knew that whilst this wasn't quite rock bottom for me it was pretty damn close and if I could feel something I would feel ashamed. But i couldn't. I just felt numb. I was a numb robot. I woke up, got out of bed a few hours later, fed the cat, took my medication and coffee, showered and cut, drove to work with a fake smile, got bullied but gave my patients everything I had in me, went home, drank, cry, pass out, repeat. I couldn't keep living like this, but I didn't much care.

One day something broke my robotic cycle though. I was shocked out of my working trance by our charge nurse Maggie of all people! I thought that I had done something wrong but instead of yelling at me as I was expecting she instead said,
"Hey Reese! Really sorry to bother you but my entire plumbing system needs to be repaired and I have to move out for about 4-5 days. Do you think it would be possible for me to stay with you?"
I wanted to say no. Maggie was so mean to me and now she was asking to stay with me? I opened my mouth to say no but the words that came out instead were,
"Sure! I've got a guest bedroom you can use, stay as long as you need to! 2 conditions: I'm not cooking for you and no matter what you see you tell nobody."

Once I realized that I was agreeing to let her stay with me I thought back to the blood on the walls and alcohol everywhere and added those conditions to the end.

"What do you have a dead body in there?"
"The world may never know."

I replied jokingly. But there was a dead body there, it was me. Maybe I was dead and in hell, maybe I was alive and in hell, it didn't matter either way, it was hell.

"Those sound like reasonable conditions. Can I come over tonight?"
"Sure!"

I was screaming at myself! Why was I signing myself up for even more complications?! Well it's too late now. I just can't care anymore. Is my she asks any questions I will answer then completely honestly for better or worse. I know that I should care, but I'm too far gone to.

I barely noticed as time flew by me and suddenly there was a knock at the door. Maggie was here. Time to face the music. I opened the door with Merlin sitting on my shoulders, a bottle of Smirnoff Ice in my hand and wearing some clothes with a few holes in them. I was well aware of how junked up I looked. I usually wore makeup to work to help create the mask of healthy and happy but now she could see me for what I truly was. 
"Hi Maggie! Come on in! This is Merlin, you may run the ED but he is the king of this castle. Come on let me show you to your room."
I ignored the shocked look on her face as she took the front room in and covered her nose. She followed me anyway and at least had the decency to hide her disgust of my place. I led her down the hall to the guest bedroom and left her to get settled in.

"Would you like a drink?" I offered.  She was being respectful enough to hide her true reaction the least I could offer her was a drink.
"Sure, what do you have? She said whilst exiting her room, now in PJ's.
"Well I've got: vodka, red wine, scotch, beer, cider, white wine, rum, gin, brandy, tequila, whiskey and even some champagne. I can also whip up every cocktail under the sun. What would you like?" Props to her she managed to contain her surprise rather well and simply asked for some water instead. So I got her a glass of ice water and grabbed myself another Smirnoff Ice. We both sat on the sofa and agreed to watch the the Netflix series Merlin. At which point Merlin decided to crawl off of my lap and into Maggie's.
"Traitor. I feed you."
"You can't stay mad at that face! He's too cute!"
"Unfortuneatly true."
It was obvious that she was trying to make small talk in order to get me talking about where I lived but if she had questions she was going to have to ask them upfront to get the answers she was looking for.

Maggie POV

I don't know why I asked to stay with Sarah. I knew that April and Natalie were full up but why was my next choice Sarah? I didn't even know her that well and suddenly I'm spending the next 4 days with her? I suppose that it is better to have a guest room than the sofa. I just hope this doesn't entirely suck. I parked my nice car next to Sarah's beat up one. I don't see why she doesn't get it repaired. I grabbed my suitcase and daybag to enter the building. on second thought I should have run when i saw the neighbourhood Sarah lived in. Multiple shootings, stabbings and turf wars? Why would she choose to live here? There was no turning back now i guess. Several flights later I reached what I hope was Sarah's door. I reluctantly knocked on the door and a few moments later a stranger opened the door. Except it was no stranger. It was Sarah! Though it took me a few moments to realise that. She had her unruly hair down so it was tumbling over her shoulders. There was a large black Maine Coon sitting on her shoulders and she seemed to be nursing a bottle of Smirnoff Ice. What was most surprising though was how unhealthy she looked. Her eyes were sucken in and it looked like she had been crying, she was incredibly pale. She looked terribly thin and a strong breeze would probably knock her over. There were bruises on her face and a few scratches too. Reese invited me in and I did my best to hide my shock but it was in vain. Was this really where she lived? There was alcohol bottles of every type piled into a corner. Her crappy TV looked like a fire hazard and asides from a beat up sofa the front room was barren and dimly lit. With what little light was there I could see both fresh and old blood in patches on the carpet and a fair bit on the walls. The paint was peeling off and I don't think the carpet has ever been cleaned  at all. I followed Reese down the hall to the guest room which looked to be the cleanest in the house. There were no bedsheets and only 1 cabinet but it was clean and lacked blood everywhere so I was fairly Ok with it. Reese left me to get settled in but I don't think I want to unpack my bags into those drawers. Instead I quickly changed into some PJ's and Sarah offered me a drink. How did she not see anything wrong with her living situation? I accepted her offer of a drink but I wish I hadn't. Sarah started listing off every Alcoholic drink under the sun. I just asked for a water and went to see her kitchen though a part of me didn't want to. There was a rickety beat up table and chairs set and what looked to be a barely working fridge and microwave. Instead of waiting around I went to go sit of the sofa and Sarah bought out a glass of water with ice in it and a fresh bottle of booze. We switched on Merlin but I couldn't focus on the show.  A few hours and 3 beers later Sarah said she was going to shower then go to bed so I bid her goodnight and waited until the shower was running to jump off of the sofa and freak out. There was blood everywhere, the place looked like a crime scene and I was pretty sure that I was going to get drunk off of fumes alone.
What the hell was I supposed to do?

I decided to go to sleep and have the work day to figure it out. It was strange seeing this side of Sarah. She goes to work everyday and gives it her all to everyone. I know she hasn't exactly had the best time at work and now I do realise that I am not exempt from blame. I only made her time at work harder, I didn't have a reason to. But I did anyway. I can't take it back, but I| can do the right thing moving forward. I just hope it's not too late.