Where are you going?

Chapter 30

Julia's POV

When I stepped into the shower, I got exited about it, about getting clean and rinsing my mind and body for once. Colby was right, I needed this. My life had never really been as complicated and unexplainable as right now, and the thoughts of giving up had occurred. A lot actually. But I couldn't do that to any of them. I couldn't do that to Violette or Colby or my Malissa. I guess Violette wasn't here right now, and hadn't been for a long time, but I knew we were gonna get to each other at some point. She was my best friend and the sister I never had. It made me think back to the carried to LA. How we never thought it was gonna be like this. I mean, the first couple of days were better than I expected, and we really had a good time with Tara and Kat. But then. Yeah, then the virus came and pretty much wiped off most of the people in LA.

When I had rinsed the rest of the conditioner out of my hair, I turned off the hot water and grabbed the towel. I noticed the bruises all over my body, which I expected to see, and I knew Colby's were worse anyways. He said he took a shower while I was asleep and that he had been talking to aunt Liss about the whole situation. I guess she really trusted him, telling him about everything. About my parents dying from protecting me somehow, I should really ask about that, but maybe tomorrow.

"Are you okay in there, Julia?". I was asking myself the same question while looking into the mirror, seeing one tear slide down my cheek. I was smiling though, because of Colby. He really cared a lot more than I thought he should be doing, but I guess I was he was growing on me too. "Yeah, I'm fine.". Oh shit, that didn't sound very convincing. It literally sounded like how I was feeling, with my voice breaking and shaking while trying to smile against it. It really sounded pathetic and I hated that I was being this vulnerable right now. "Julia, are you sure?!". He was right behind the door and was trying to open it, but it was locked. "Julia, it's been like more than an hour! Please just let me in or come out so that we can talk about this.". I didn't realize it had been that long, but I guess I really needed a long shower after everything. Even though I had been telling myself that I trusted Colby I couldn't let myself get this vulnerable in front of him. My thought was that I didn't want him to be a part of my fucked up life, but I think it went deeper than that. "I'm fine, Colby. Just go down to my aunt and I'll be down in a couple of minutes!". I yelled back even though I knew that Colby was right behind the door sounding pretty worried. "Stop lying to me, Julia. Just... please don't lie to me. Besides, your aunt is out of the house". I could hear how much he meant that, but that only made me feel more guilty opening up to him and letting him into my life. He had given up on jiggling the doorknob and I could hear him take a couple of steps back. I felt back letting him down like that too though. It's easy to keep going when you have someone constantly reminding you the brighter future in front of you, but right at this moment, where only a wooden door was between us, non of us was really relaying on any future. I knew Colby was keeping some secrets from me, but maybe it was good for the both of us to not constantly being caught up in each other's lives and issues.

Some quiet minutes went by until I dressed myself and slowly walked over to the door. And I opened it.

"I just don't know if I can do this, Colby.". I stood in in the doorway, looking at Colby sitting on the made bed. It felt like I couldn't hold back the water in my eyes, and my throat starting to dry and tight up. "I mean, it feels like I'm fighting this war but I'm alone. I've even had nightmares, where I had to run away. Where I'm alone against this. This fucked up life that I'm surprisingly still living.". I don't think I could've letten more words come out, from the amount of pressure I was feeling on my chest. It all felt so fucked up in my head, being immune, my parents getting killed, Violette being gone and all I could focus on was the pair of beautiful blue eyes in front of me, just looking at me. I could see that he was going through what I had said, and was almost sorry for me, like he genuinely wanted me better. "Don't' say that.". He said. "Well what am I supposed to say?! It's the fucking hard truth, Colby! This is MY life, and if you stay, this will be yours too!".

"Well I don't care, cause know you can do this.". He said, as he stood up and walked towards me. His voice was calm compared to mine and he didn't seem angry at all. He put his hands on my shoulders and reausring me while keeping the eye contact, piercing through me with just one look. "How.. How do, do you know?". I sniveled out, while feeling him so close to me. I let myself go at that point. I let him see me, the way he saw me, and I didn't care for once. I didn't care If he liked it or if he thought it was too much, cause this was me, even though I felt pathetically weak at the moment.

"Because you're strong. And because you're not alone. Because you have your new family, your brothers. And you have Shaely and Violette, Kat and Tara. And Julia... Because you have me.".

He was right. I could do this, but I needed all of them. I needed help with this, cause I wasn't alone and therefor I wouldn't need to be. It was dark outside now, and the only light inside the room was. Beaming from the bathroom I just came out of and a small lamp in the corner. I felt lucky next to Colby, feeling his comfort and a feeling I hadn't felt for a long time. In that moment I looked at Colby eyes, darting between those until my eyes met his lips and I could take my eyes off of them either. I saw the way his went down to mine too and up again. So many emotions were floating together for the both of us, and I guess that was one of them.