There is something called a Kubler - Ross diagram, which consists of five steps that every human being must go through when they lose someone:
- Step 1 is denial.
- Step 2 is anger.
- Step 3 is bargaining.
- Step 4 is depression.
- Step 5 is acceptance.
When you lose yourself, you will find it the same.
I didn't believe it at first, I didn't care, I didn't think I needed medicine, I thought I was fine. Then I go crazy, angry with everything, why me, why me. Then I struggled, betrayed everything, I ran all four directions to find a compromise with myself. Depression is well known, it's been the longest thing in my life, for so long I can't remember the last time I was happy.
And now, I have to accept it.
I and the voices in my head quarreled for days and nights, but we understand each other a lot, just like a set of couples who have lived together for a long time. They will find ways to accept each other.
For how long, I played hide and seek alone.
My Lover and I are often distant. I travel so much that when I only stay in Singapore for four months a year, I have a reason for being separated. But when I was with him, I didn't feel anything different.
You are here, but you are never here: This saves me and kills me too. As I drift too far, his silence is one chilling reminder that i'm too different, that I have to go back to the community, and my chills, resulting in an invisible scolding, it's just like the feeling when Mom and Dad had a visitor. I came home and Dad looked diagonally from the corner of the room. It was so effective, because there was no punishment as terrible as the one I imagined myself. But there are times when I need to be alone and alone, that silence is the most secure and understandable way for me to know that, whatever I do in the closed room, I still have you waiting. Even though I don't hear, see, i see you.
There's one more thing, which I never told you, but I've kept it secret from the beginning: I'm with you because I know you're always doing what you need to do, so if one day I die, you will also have to live. To me, this is a certainty, an affirmation, a contract more secure than any other bond including marriage. Friends always ask me and my Lover, how I've been together for nearly six years, he's thirty-one. Asian family, parents urged, the whole world investigated. I've always told myself to stay with you for the rest of my life, I really believe it, whether it's six hours, six days or sixty years at the end. The more uncertain i am about my life, the more sure I am about my life with him.
I love anyone or love anyone like that, they are happy because it just started, and I'm sad because I already know the end.
YOU ARE READING
Lỗi - Error 404 English Translation
Non-Fiction"Finally, my autobiography book, Error 404 is out, after 2 years of work. It actually took me only 6 months to write 99% of the book, but couldn't write the ending for a long, long time. I wrote a book about a child who was sexually abused, unhappy...
