Phần 2 (T58 - 62)

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I'm an addict, but I'm never afraid of that.

We all don't get addicted, but each person is addicted to something different in a different way. The word addiction itself is not a bad word, but we associate it with the image of injecting drugs, under the stereotype, "Don't try drugs once," and so on and so forth.

A cigarette addict smokes a cigarette every two minutes. A heroin addict does it two or three times a day. A shopping addict goes shopping every two to three days. If an addict addicted to food, how many meals would they eat a day? 

Let's try to take food addiction as an example, how can we find the borderline between normal, love to eat and food addiction? The line is a thin and invisible thing, drawn by the "experts" who we bring up ourselves, we sit and listen to them tell us that we have a problem, we pay them to let them do it.The only difference between food addiction, sleep addiction, playing addiction, with drug addiction, candy addiction is that the team of doctors makes more money in the second team.

We are consumers. Born without money and no choice but already having to buy. If we don't buy clothes, or don't buy soap, then go out into the streets, what will be the problem? We will be sent to a mental institution. Eating disorders, like self-harm, I no longer remember when I started it. It was so long ago, it was a part of me. I don't remember the last time I ate a normal meal, or what a normal meal was like.

Every binge eating session, I start by taking a bite of something that I never allow myself to eat: things as simple as sugar, fat, carbohydrates. Then my deprived body turned on the automatic button, as I dragged through all the drawers in the house, tore it up, broke it, spent money on my credit card even though I couldn't pay for things I wasn't allowed to. I told myself that I was just covering the sadness, burying it dead, letting the hole in me disappear. But when I was done, when I finished eating, I realized what I had just done, what the consequences of tomorrow would be, and the weight of the food in my body fall back to me. I lose control, I disgust myself and I abhor my loss of control. I vomited again, I vomited, I had to correct, and I had to punish myself for this loss of control.

Every time I read a book or watch a movie, I'm enraged if I see a character with an eating disorder. Just like the society in the film is only black and white, based on the possibility that one hundred percent of the author does not know what eating disorders are, the description of the disease is always too stupid. Well, only the rich white people can suffer from it, and it's a way to lose weight to eat as much as you want and not get fat, only young people who are mindless can suffer from this disorder, and especially effective only when you only need to think positively with practice. Exercise will cure everything. The truth is, nothing in the world is as disgusting as this disease. There are no books or newspapers about your teeth getting acidic and corroded in your stomach. No one starts talking about the fact that when you start eating, you will not stop, it will become a reflex, and you will go around the kitchen looking for all the things that have been moldy for three or four years and then just put in your mouth, just to eat. Those things - because when you  eat them badly - they get stuck in your throat and you can't breathe, and in the moment you think you're going to die from a piece of dry bread, you'll be found by someone in naked in the bathroom, obviously in a messy state. Even very real things like money are never mentioned, you spend a month's salary on meals for the whole family to eat for two months and then die on rent money, then your dentist's bill, then spend it on psychiatrists and a small hope of getting out of this dog-like life.

I slapped my hands again, slipped, clipped, searched to see if anything in me made me me, let me pull it out, so that I could feel something other than pain, even for a minute.


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