Lỗi - Error 404 English Translation

Phần 3 (T124 - 128)

I have only two states, 0 or 100. 

It's an absolute balance for me according to my own principles, but it's also the reason I only have people going through my life without staying long, because usually everyone lives around 50. 

The days, months and years were beaten by sadness, I just want'ed to be left alone, to be left alone. Voices in my head were arguing at night, screaming at each other, struggling, pressing on nerves, tripping over brain neurons, my eyes twitching. Me, I need time to mediate. Me, we need nothing but time, I don't need and have nobody but ego. 

I've always known I can go back to 100, I just don't know what time, minute, year, but I can. The people around me have a common sense, so they have to drag me out of the house, go shopping, meet my friends to cheer me up. They could not bear even 45 percent of sadness. They don't understand, if I don't go to zero I won't be able to reach 100, I need to be pulled back to be thrown forward. 

Go out on the street, man, you have to get coffee cannon, you have to talk to everyone. Just go online less, stop watching movies, live a little like reality, lesser dreaming. Live like me, live a balanced life, because there is only one way of life. There is always hope to be true, always to realize one to recognize the other. Having to wake up every day, go to work, go home complaining about the workplace, and then do other time-killing things to get in the middle of wanting to kill yourself or kill everyone around you, that is correct Living in a life of responsibility, duty and duty, law, religion, respect and style, but still have to call it a free and free life, you understand, you won't feel wrong then. 

Good thing, I've been called emotional all the time, while I think I'm a very rational person. Obviously I know, I don't want to live. But, my unwillingness to live, most of the time, I separate it completely from what I know I have to do. I still breathe, still go to work, still participate in work regularly, simply because I realize that if I want a group to leave me alone, the only way is to become a part of the group. Do not affect others. It's fine to die, as long as you don't have close relatives living in the same house, go up to a certain mountain range and jump down. A person with a mental illness is never considered sick if it does not cause harm to those around it. You are a walking corpse, but if you are still walking in the social wheel, everything is fine. 

So I have only two states, 0 or 100.

Ironically with the forum I set up, ironically with the advancement career, irony with the compliments beyond the life I received, I got worse and worse.

For almost half a year, I could not hold anything in my stomach, I was afraid of the feeling of some weight holding me down. I could feel every drop of water on the wall of my stomach, every creaking sound of the acid contained in meat bag. Only the taste of regret is spice. By myself, I do not eat anything, with other people I will eat, then vomit out. I lost nearly fifteen pounds in over three months.

I don't want to be thin anymore, being thin is no longer a purpose, I don't know what my purpose is. I just wanted to be small again, small forever, so small that one day I could bend over, then down again, and disappear. I was always cold and delirious, and dancing was almost a distant dream. And yet I kept going to zero, without even leaving a second thinking how stupid it was.

I take more medicine than someone with serious illnesses. Sedatives, sleeping pills, depressants, weight loss pills, and also, stimulants. Every day I eat a handful of a capsule in plate of rice, pour it down with some of the cheapest alcohol bottles, and my mind goes out like noodles. I lost control, forgot everything, confused nighttime dreams with real life. The feeling at that time must have been like living in a plant, hearing people walking in and out, holding hands and crying, but could not resist enough to open the eyelids.