My Mafia man II

Chapter 17

Rose POV

I gave in, my decision has been made and there is nothing he can say to make me feel better and change my mind, I don't want to hurt him but at this moment all I want is a peaceful time for myself, a space of my own to cry out and grieve for a child who I just lost, "I will be fine John" I said flashing a weak smile to him, without wanting he left the room with Ana dragging him out, holding his arms.

"thank you baby, thank you" James mumbled sitting next to me, if only our child was alive this situation would have been different, I would have danced all night spreading my happiness, picturing our family pictures on the wall, imagining those sleepless night where we will be fighting to change dirty diapers or taking our turns for night time feed; how did our life became so complicated...... when did we became so selfish that all we want is to point out our problems but not taking those steps to understand each other; "what happened to us?" I asked him which took him by surprise, "ah...us...uhm" he struggled to find a perfect word; "what happened tonight wasn't in my plan James, you weren't there but each night I dreamt of this child being born, with every morning sickness to my swollen feet I learnt to appreciate her presence in my life, I lived each day for this child James, what am I going to do now?" I asked him trying to hold back the tears that were voluntarily coming out, "I am sorry" he whispered trying to pull me into his arms; "no, don't" I fight back, pushing him away; "it's all because of you, no.....it's all because of me, it's my fault for falling in love with someone like you......." I broke down in front of him......thinking about our baby, thinking about us, picturing our family picture being shattered. Without my knowledge I find myself in his arms, inhaling his familiar scent and somehow, I found the comfort that I was looking for. We stayed like that for a while, both silent, the only noise we could hear was the beeping noise from the machine I was attached to before.

"why didn't you tell me?" he asked, and I knew what he meant, "didn't had your number" I lied, although it was half-truth. He nodded satisfied with my answer, "sorry, should have come earlier" he said tucking in my already tucked in hair, "did you had any name in your mind?" he asked me and I shook my head, "I didn't knew the gender, wanted it to be surprise" I confessed which he responded with a weak smile. James grabbed my hands and kissed each of my knuckles, "I missed you" he whispered reading my face, "you have lost weight" he frowned knitting his eyebrow and all I could do was give him a weak smile.

Our quiet time came to end with the same nurse walking in followed by John, Ana and Liam. "how are you feeling?" the nurse asked me, attaching back the pipes, "tired" I replied, "are you in pain?" she asked me again, "no, I am good" I replied. "the doctor would be here soon and then he will let you know if you can go home or not" she informed pushing the trolley she walked in with; " Liam, get the car ready and let dad know Rose will be coming home" James said looking at Liam which shocked all of us in the room, John looked at me then to James back and forth trying to read the situation as Liam stood there nervously trying to read me, "no, James I am not coming with you" I replied shaking my head, "what do you mean, I thought we were fine" he said coming closer to me grabbing my hands, "we are fine James but I seriously need some space, I need some time" I confessed not knowing our current relationship status.

The doctor finally gave me green signal and I began to dress myself feeling relief, at least I don't have to lock myself in this room. James and Liam departed as something important came up and i headed home towards home with John and Ana.

Aha nothing beats the feeling of being at home; I looked around the house filled with bags and bags of baby's stuff, from blankets to nursery items and without my knowing I felt the warm tears taking over my face; "oh honey" Ana said rubbing my back as I broke into tears; Ana guided me to the couch and made me sit, comforting me. I never had a chance to see my little baby, so many dreams I dreamt of, so many things I imagined and now she is gone, she just vanished into a thin air. My poor baby didn't even had a chance to hold me and stay in my arms, my poor little angel; "hush Rose, she is in better place now" she whispered trying to comfort me but something inside of me was very offended with those words; I pulled myself away from her and looked into her eyes "how do you know? For a child, for any child there is no better place than a mother's lap, how could you say that she is in better place now? Did you even see how she looked like when she was taken out of my womb? Poor baby must have struggled to breathe" I said choking in my own tears. "I am sorry if I offended you, I was just trying to calm you down" Ana replied placing her hands over my shoulder, "I understand but there is no words out there to comfort a mother who just lost her child, I am sorry but can I please have a moment to myself?" I asked looking at both of them. "sure" both of them replied and got up awkwardly, before leaving John looked behind "when you said you wanted space from James, did you mean it or was that just an excuse?" he asked, "I mean it John, I need some time for myself" I replied wiping away my tears, "well, if you want Lana is going to Fiji, for a voluntary work, I can arrange it for you, you can get a tourist visa at the airport and maybe travel until you get a voluntary license" he said raising his eyebrow and I didn't knew what to say, "thank you John, I will think about it" I replied with a weak smile, "and I told Lucy about your accident, she wants to come and see you, you want to meet her outside with me or?, "you can give her my address and number" I replied impatiently, just wanting to be alone.

Finally a moment to myself I thought and looked around, i pulled the plastic bags with a white fluffy blanket, how I wished to wrap my baby in it, my heart ached knowing that I won't be able to see her, hold her and watch her grow. It pains me to know that I have lost her forever. I began to sob holding the blanket closer to my face, it only took her 6 months to win me over, she came as a surprise and filled my world with all these happiness and all of a sudden she is gone, and without her I feel so empty, I placed one of my hand on my stomach and blamed it for not being able to keep her safe, I feel my world crumbling and didn't knew where to start my life from.