Fine

Chapter 2

Chase is already out of his lawn chair by the time Jordan finishes his one syllable shout. Seriously, they're so desperate to be near each other. It's like they can't function properly without at least being in close proximity to one another. Chase opens the gate and pulls Jordan into a hug that is immediately accompanied by a kiss. I roll my eyes and push past them. "Get a room!" 


Unfortunately, this seems to give them an idea, because Chase's gaze immediately flicks to the back door of his house. I glare at him. "No." 


Partially out of spite, I take his chair before he can get back, which has the fringe benefit of being right next to Levi. He shoots me a bright grin, and I return it (it's impossible not to). 


"Good game," he says to me, and I grin. 


"Thanks." 


Levi glances at Jordan, probably to say the same, but he stops when we see him leaning against Chase's legs, Chase already running his fingers through Jordan's hair. I roll my eyes, tempted to remind them to keep it PG (I'm not actually sure if Chase knows that doing that can turn Jordan on) but instead just ask, "Are you guys going to be nauseating? Should Levi and I relocate to a different planet?" 


"Yes," Jordan and Chase say in unison, and I glare at them. 


Thankfully, they do manage to restrain themselves a little bit. At least enough that Levi and I can have conversation uninterrupted by moans (though, that's never actually been a problem. It just seems like it could be, if Levi and I didn't pretend to be constantly disgusted by them). 


"They are kind of cute," I say to Levi once Chase and Jordan have gotten so wrapped up in each other that they're completely oblivious to the fact that we're talking about them.

"Yeah. In that way that makes it impossible not to root for them. Like, if someone came along and tried to break them up... I'd be rooting for them to stay together."

I nod. "And in that way that makes you kind of wish you could find something like what they have. Because they just seem so happy."

"For sure." Levi lifts his bottle of beer to his lips and tips his head back to take a swig. I watch, my focus flitting from his closed eyelids to his slightly flushed cheeks, before my gaze lands on his mouth. His lips are tantalizing: he has a full bottom lip and a Cupid's bow upper lip which looks more like a painting than real life, it's shaped so perfectly. Right now, his lips are puckered a little around the mouth of the bottle, and if I wasn't keeping this casual staring and analysis apart from my actual emotions, my heart rate would probably be speeding up as I wondered how it would feel if his lips were closed around mine like that.

Here's the thing though: I'm not gay. Mostly because if I recognized that I am, then all of my casual staring at guys will suddenly be directly related to my feelings. Right now, it feels kind of distant. Separate. I notice things, but I don't think about the things I notice. Like wondering about the feel of lips, or taste of skin, or firmness of-

If I don't think about these things, it makes it a lot easier to not be gay. Yes, I still notice. It would be impossible not to. I like to think of it as a compromise with myself: I can look, I can notice, I can examine- but I don't think about it, touch, or think about touching. Nothing happens beyond the seeing. And this has worked since about the time that I realized that I was actually noticing these things about guys instead of girls.

I could notice these things about girls, if I wanted, but I just... don't really care. I'm apathetic. Which made my first kiss and all the other firsts absolutely tedious. And difficult. I kind of wanted to save all these things until I found someone I actually liked. But 1. That's not how high school works and 2. I've kind of accepted that I'm never going to be with someone I actually like, because I can't imagine liking women, but I'm not gay.