Fine

Chapter 14

I don't know what's happening to me.

My entire system is falling apart.

I'm not looking at Levi, I'm intentionally avoiding it, but I can't stop thinking about him. About everything about him: his eyes, his nose, his freckles, his arms, his gentle tapping with his fingernails, his slouched posture, his tall legs, and his stupidly perfect lips.

I don't know what to do.

Nothing feels distant anymore. Everything feels like it's sitting on top of my skin for everyone to see, and I can't hide any of it.

I don't want to ignore Levi, but I feel so paranoid. Like my parents are going to be able to sense it when I get home, if they even look at me. Like they'll call me in the middle of the day if I so much as talk to him and tell me never to come back into their house again. I'm just- I'm so scared.

I zone out through the entire school day and go home with a feeling of impending doom.

My parents don't even notice how tense and paranoid I am.

They don't notice anything.

It makes me feel a little better. Safer.

And as soon as my head is out of that paranoid, terrified, basic state of survival, and I get to school and see Levi, I'm slammed by a wall of guilt and shame. Because I totally kissed him and then ran off on Saturday. Wow, I'm such a huge jerk.

I go to him tentatively, not sure if he actually wants to talk to me at all (I wouldn't blame him). He spots me coming towards him and looks a little surprised. My chest aches a little.

"Hi," I say quietly when I reach him. He's still at his locker, but Chase is fortunately gone.

"Hey," he responds, sounding a little confused.

I meet his eyes, feeling absolutely awful for what I did. "I'm so sorry."

He gives me a small smile, "It's okay."

I shake my head. "No, it's not. That was so horrible of me- I don't even know what to say."

He starts to respond, but he's cut off by the bell. So instead, he says, "Wanna talk about this during lunch?"

I nod, and he gives me another small smile before we part ways for our first classes.

I can't focus on anything in class. All I can think about is seeing Levi at lunch and what the heck I'm going to tell him, because if he deserved an explanation last time then he deserves my full life story this time. And I have no idea how to even begin to apologize to him, because just saying sorry doesn't seem to make things that much better. He'd accept it, I know he would, but he deserves a lot more than that. At the very basic minimum, I should buy him lunch.

Lunchtime comes around, and we go to Fatburger, because where else are we going to go? I pay for his food as well as mine, which he says I don't have to do but I definitely have to do, and we take a window booth and sit across from each other (and I don't even bother denying to myself that I liked sitting beside him better).

As soon as we sit down, he gives me the same small smile he gave me earlier- it's not as genuine as his other ones, it doesn't light his face up the same way. "Nate, I just want you to know that I'm not mad at you, and you don't owe me anything."

Yes, I very obviously do. "What I did was horrible, Levi. I owe you an apology, an explanation, and lunch at the very least."

"It's okay, Nate, you don't need to explain. You've already given me two out of three. It's okay. I get that you're going through something difficult. You don't need to explain unless you genuinely want to talk to someone about it."